Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

What to Expect When Your Catholic Friend Dies

Roman Catholic refers to a religious body that acknowledges the pope as its authority and the Vatican as the center of ecclesiastical unity. The Catholic Church’s position on death is as follows … From the General Introduction of the Order of Christian Funerals: “The Church intercedes on behalf of the deceased because of its confident belief that death is not the end… The Church also ministers to the sorrowing and consoles them in the funeral rites with the comforting word of God and sacrament of the eucharist.”

Funeral services for a Catholic, in their entirety, will have three parts. Today it is not uncommon for one or more parts to be omitted or abbreviated. Still, the Church recommends the funeral contain all three parts since each has a special function or purpose. The parts include:

The Vigil or Wake: This is an opportunity for family, community, and friends to gather, pray, and offer condolences to the family of the deceased. It is a time to remember the life of the deceased. The vigil…

Usually takes place at the funeral home the evening before the service or morning before the service at the church.
The body is usually present. The casket may or may not be open. Mourners will approach the casket and say a silent prayer.
Eulogies, pictures, secular music, and food may be a part of this service. What is included varies depending on the ethnicity of the family and their traditions. This is a time for focusing on the life of the deceased. Having the Vigil in the funeral

home almost always allows for a greater flexibility when it comes to eulogies,

pictures, secular music and food as many churches do not have the same

capabilities as funeral homes, and many will have policies limiting activities,

especially if the vigil were to take place in their worship space.

A priest or deacon may lead those gathered in a brief prayer service.

The Funeral Liturgy: This is the liturgical celebration of the community for the deceased. A Mass is encouraged. The funeral liturgy is an act of worship.

The priest, followed by the casket and then the family, will process into the church.
Attendees who are not Catholic may stand, sit, and kneel along with Catholics during the service/Mass. Guests who are not comfortable with kneeling may sit during the entire service.
No special head covering is required for women or men.
Prayers will be read, and communion will be distributed.
Only Catholic attendees may receive communion. This is out of respect for what

Catholics believe communion is and out of respect for the fact that non-Catholics

do not share the same belief.

Eulogies and secular music will not be a part of this service.

The Interment: Funeral guests are invited to attend the interment.

Prayers will be led by the priest or deacon.
Military rites may be included if applicable.
The grave will be closed after participants leave the cemetery.
A wake or luncheon may follow the interment and can be held at the funeral home, the church hall, or a restaurant.

When a Catholic dies it is appropriate to:

Telephone or stop by to offer condolences.
Send flowers to the funeral home or to the home of close family members.
To bring food to the family.
To make a contribution to charities in honor of the deceased.

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After the Funeral…What to Look Forward to

Sometimes the future feels bleak. For those struggling with a recent death in their family or just beaten down by the news, it can be difficult to look forward, to anticipate, to feel hopeful.

Most of us are removed from the rituals of spring. The tilling of the earth, getting our hands in the compost, planting seeds, all simple pursuits that are, by their nature, full of hope. Even if you are living in a community that takes care of your landscape, or a group living arrangement or even in a big city high rise it is really not that hard to grow something. Something that you can nurture, and watch grow – a little something to look forward to.

Grow Something to Eat!

A basil plant from the grocery store just needs a sunny window and water. A little bit of your own home-grown basil in your tomato soup, or your scrambled eggs, or a salad will make you smile.
Have a little more room? Go for a tomato It’ll need a little more attention and space. You’ll need to rotate the pot, water, and support the branches but nothing tastes like a vine ripened home-grown tomato. As you watch it go from bloom to fruit the anticipation will build.

Grow Something to Attract the B’s … Birds, Bees, & Butterflies

Milk weed, bee balm, cone flowers… The list is long. You are sure to find something that works in your spot be it little or large. Use plants or seeds that are not treated with pest controls and if you have the space go for a little variety that will extend your blooming season. The B’s need you and nothing lifts the spirits like being needed! They are also entertaining/fun to watch and something to look forward to. Try it, you’ll see.

Feed the Hummingbirds

Hummingbirds are amazing! Once they know you have a feeder, they will show up every morning and evening. You’ll have fun watching them “protect” their feeder. It’s like snoopy and the red baron the way they zoom and dive on each other. Much better than the 24-hour news channel. All you need is a simple feeder. Some feeders attach to the outside of your window with suction cups. The food is simple to make. Just one-part sugar to four parts of water, warm it up in the microwave or stove top just to dissolve the sugar. Then cool and store in the fridge. You’ll be surprised how much they eat! Best part is once they get used to seeing you at the window, they’ll make your day.

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Do I Need a “Final Resting Place”?

Let’s face it everyone will have one, a final resting place that is. The questions you should be asking are where is it? Can it be found in the future should a family member want to do so? Is the final resting place protected? Is it hallowed ground? Will the place endure?

Most of us know exactly where our great grandparents are “resting”. It’s in a cemetery somewhere. Even when the grave is half a continent away and we never get there to put flowers on the grave, we know where they are. Will our grandchildren know where we rest?

For those who would like to be buried in a cemetery

Fear not. There are spaces available check with your funeral director for advice about where to look.
Worried about the environment? Again, ask your funeral director about green and greenish burial options.
Concerned about cost? Consider the resale market. Many family’s plans change. Families resell cemetery plots they will not use at a lower cost.

For those who plan to donate their body to science

Know that in most cases the cremated remains will be returned to the family at some point and will require a plan for the final resting place.
Always have a back-up plan just in case the body is not accepted for donation.
Talk to your funeral director about how to put together a memorial service to take place right after death since it may be months or even years before ashes are returned to the family.

For those who will be cremated

Consider your many options carefully. You may want to discuss them with your funeral director. There may be final resting options you are not aware of.
If you plan to scatter ashes, give thought to the location and how family members will be impacted if the golf course is sold and turned into a go-kart track?
Talk to your funeral director about keepsakes such as paperweights that incorporate some of the ashes or jewelry that can hold a small amount of cremated remains.
Be aware that final resting place means it must endure for generations to come. Will your children’s children still want your urn in their home?
Know having a viable plan for the final resting place is the most often overlooked step for those who cremate. Not addressing this issue creates a burden for someone in the family as time passes. Talk to your funeral director.

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Thinking No Funeral? Think Again.

Maybe you’ve said it, or thought it? “I don’t need a funeral. You can just bury me in the backyard”. That’s the male version of negating the need for a funeral. But the sentiment is not unique to men. Women just say it differently. “I don’t want you to make a fuss. I don’t need a funeral.” These folks are right. The person who died doesn’t need a funeral. They just need a legal, respectful disposal of their body. It’s the people who are left to do the work of grieving that need the support and community from a funeral.

Princess Diana, Michael Jackson, Aretha Franklin, John McCain, and most recently Kobe Bryant, didn’t need the memorials, teddy bears, or flowers. We needed them. We need to be a part of acknowledging the loss. We find comfort in being able to be a part of the service that honors their lives even when our part is just being an observer via television. We are comforted, in some measure, just by being able to observe.

It is human nature to seek community in times of trouble and in times of joy. People are pack animals. We don’t live in isolation. We touch the lives of others. We celebrate birth with family and friends. We celebrate the coming together of two people in marriage as a group. We hold each other’s hand in times of tragedy. When we express our caring feelings, it is not weakness. It’s our strength. We are human beings, we care.

Having the opportunity to express our feelings is not expected to “cure” our grief. Coming together does not provide closure. The door never really closes on the love one human being has for another. Coming together, expressing our feelings in the presence of our community, are steps in the healing process. Being able to express our feelings in a safe, accepting environment provides some measure of healing.

Grief in the early days is raw. As time passes it softens. The hard edges become rounded and we begin to find the joy we had with the one we loved in our memories. Grief is hard work. It’s a journey.

Why should anyone have to begin this journey alone?

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Jewish Funeral Traditions

As we begin to learn more about religious practices outside of our own, it is sometimes surprising to find how much different faiths have in common. Mourners of all faiths understand the power of grief and the comfort of community. So, what happens when a person of the Jewish faith dies, and how can a person outside that faith support a friend or neighbor who is grieving?

In order to support a person of the Jewish faith when they have experienced a loss, one must learn about the Kaddish and sitting Shiva. According to Jewish Law anyone who has lost a parent, sibling, child, or spouse recites Kaddish every day beginning with the funeral and continuing for thirty days after the death. The Mourners Kaddish is a prayer, a profession of faith. The prayer is a listing of God’s holy attributes. Jewish law requires that sanctification of God’s name and requires ten voices … a minyan. This requirement of a minyan assures that the mourner is not alone. For thirty days the Mourners Kaddish is recited in the presence of at least ten people. According to Anita Diamant in her book Saying Kaddish… “The power of Kaddish comes, in large measure, from the consolations of being in a group that recognizes and embraces the bereaved”.

The Hebrew word for funeral is Levayah, which means “accompanying”. There is no religious requirement for clergy to be present at a Jewish funeral. The responsibility is on the family. The service does not address the ideas of heaven, redemption or reunion, the focus is on the life of the deceased. The service is simple. Here are no flowers or music, the casket is lowered and all in attendance participate in covering the coffin. Once the casket is lowered the business of caring for the dead is ended. The focus now shifts to mourning and supporting the family in their grief.

Shiva or “sitting Shiva” is a time for the bereaved. Traditionally Shiva lasts for seven days, although in modern times that is sometimes abbreviated to three days. It is a time to “sit” with grief. During Shiva the bereaved do not work or play. No calling into the office, no cooking, no dishes, no television or video games. Shiva is a time to do grief work. It is a time to explore emotions and feelings, to cry and to laugh. It is a time to share memories, tell stories, and receive consolation.

When a Jewish person dies:

Expect the service to take place the day after the death.
The service will be held either at a funeral home or a synagogue/temple
There will never be an open casket
The service will be led by a rabbi
The rabbi may deliver the eulogy or eulogies may be delivered by friends or family
Close friends and family will attend the interment. All who attend the interment will participate in filling the grave.
As the closest members of the family leave the gravesite, they pass between two rows of relatives and friends.
Do telephone or visit the bereaved
Do bring food, to be on the safe side, bring kosher food
Do not send flowers
Do make a contribution to a favorite charity in honor of the deceased
When calling on family members who are sitting Shiva expect to stay for 20 to 30 minutes. The Mourners Kaddish will be recited twice a day, morning and evening. A guest should stand when the mourners stand and read along with the prayer in English
The one-year anniversary of the death is marked with a ceremony, yahrzeit. This ceremony is by invitation only and usually involves a service at the synagogue and “unveiling” of the tombstone at the cemetery.