Category: General

Death and taxes (seemingly unlikely bed fellows at first glance) are often linked together because they have long been considered unavoidable life events. Some even say they are the only two things that are certain in life. Neither is something people typically look forward to, but they are both events that are anticipated and can be prepared for in advance.

This is the time of year when folks hope they have prepared well for their taxes. Most people prefer to get a tax refund rather than a tax bill. They hope the calculations have been made correctly and the payments made throughout the year will be enough to offset the sting of a big tax bill come April 15^th.

Hmmm… come to think about it, most folks don’t typically look forward to a big funeral bill at the end of their life either. Few want to leave their family responsible for funeral costs. However, many people don’t plan to offset that expense like they do their taxes.

Even though most people, 62.5 percent according to the National Funeral Directors Association’s (NFDA) annual Consumer Awareness and Preferences Study, think it’s important to plan in advance. Only a small percentage (21.4 percent) actually act on their good intentions. Why? They have the perception that prepaying is too costly.

Most people are unaware that prepaying does not mean you must pay in one single payment. Many funeral homes offer specialized programs that allow funerals to be paid in advance, just like taxes, in small, easily-digested bites. Payments can be made on a variety of schedules allowing the consumer the opportunity to choose how long to stretch out payments and how often to make those payments. Individuals can even choose to make one payment per year!  That means a person could choose to put their tax refund toward their funeral.  Taxes could pay for death!

What about that roughly one quarter of people who do go beyond thinking they should make a funeral plan and actually make one? How do they feel once they have their plan in place? Ahh, they feel good. Funeral planners often say they see shoulders go down, hear audible sighs of relief and get hugs at the conclusion of a planning session. It’s like cleaning out the junk drawer: something most folks put off, but when they dig in and get it done, it feels so good they just keep going back to sneak a peek at that drawer all in order.

 

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According to the CDC, an older adult (age 65+) suffers a fall in the U.S. every second of every day, making falls the leading cause of injury and injury death in this age group.

If you or someone you care about are in this age group, it is time to do a safety assessment and possibly make a few adjustments.

 

Footwear

 

• You are looking for support of the entire foot. Skip the mules, toss the stretched-out loafers, and go for shoes that stabilize the heel of the foot and fit snugly. Shoes that tie and have a non-slip sole are best. If you notice an older person is shuffling, not picking up their feet when they walk, check their shoes. House shoes/slippers should follow the same guidelines as outdoor footwear, closed in heel and non-slip soles.

 

Snow and Ice

 

• Can we just say, stay in during bad weather if possible? That means slowing down and doing a cost to benefit assessment before initiating action. Ask yourself, “why am I going out now?” Could the morning paper resting on the ice glazed driveway wait? Perhaps you could give the sun a chance to warm the pavement and melt the ice? What harm would come if you read the morning paper in the afternoon? We are all creatures of habit. We read our paper with our morning coffee; we get the mail from the box every day, sometimes the minute it arrives. Avoiding falls means slowing down, thinking it through, weighing the options and choosing safety over habit. When you do go out take the time to change into your boots, carry a walking stick or cane to help you stabilize, and choose the path that provides the most traction. Be sure someone knows you have gone outside or, if you are alone, take your cell phone with you.

 

Changing Position

 

• When moving from lying down (bed) to walking (to the bathroom) take your time. Sit on the edge of the bed, dangle your feet, give your head a moment to catch up to your new position. Then plant your feet squarely on the floor and wait one click before you take off for your destination. When moving from sitting to standing, plant your feet on the floor then push up using your thigh muscles to rise. Hint: Begin to preserve the strength in your thighs. When you reach your early 60s avoid using your arms to assist with getting from sitting to standing. Keep those thigh muscles strong as long as you can. Move. Move. Move.

 

Find a Safety Buddy

 

• Lots of seniors are spending more time alone these days. That means that if a fall does occur, they will be on their own. Finding someone who can act as a “safety buddy” for a senior living alone is a good idea. When the senior is going to do something “risky”, climb a ladder, wash windows, carry the Christmas tree to the basement, weed the garden, they would place a call to their safety buddy letting him or her know what they are going to do. The two would work together to determine how much time it will take to complete the task. The senior can pledge to call his buddy back when he has completed the dangerous task. That way if a fall occurs and the buddy doesn’t get his call back he will know to check in and get help if needed. Better yet, get help with dangerous tasks!

 

Keep Moving

 

• Inside or outside, keep moving and doing. Take a walk and take your phone with you. Walk your well-behaved dog. If you are a couch potato, clean up the space that surrounds you. Have you put too much of your stuff right at your fingertips so that you don’t need to move? Are you limiting your movement too much? If you are an impulsive/quick mover, slow down but do not stop. Keep your eye on where you are going when you move. Observe your surroundings and avoid the cracks in the sidewalk and the bumps in the road.

 

Accidents are not planned. They always come unexpectedly. Listen to the little voice in your gut or head. When it says something should wait, or you should get help, or what you are considering doing is risky – LISTEN. Resist the temptation to overrule that inner warning. Look for a safer way to complete the task or work on finding someone to help you.

 

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“When I die, I really don’t care what you do with me. Just ___ ___ me. I don’t want you to make a fuss.”

 

Really? Are these the instructions you are leaving your family? Of course, it does not matter to you and you really will not need a fuss. You will be the dead one. They, however, care and they need a fuss. If you are thinking it is not so, take a minute and turn the tables. How would you feel if you lost them? Would you just ___ ___ them?

 

Most of the time someone is tempted to pass on these kinds of instructions, it is for one of three reasons. It is because the idea of dying scares them and makes them uncomfortable. Or, it is because they are thinking about the wrong person.  They are thinking about themselves, not their survivors. Then there are those who have just never been to a funeral they liked.

 

All these reasons are understandable, but none are reason enough to leave your family with nothing. As Martha Graham, the famous dancer, once said, “There is a vitality, a life force, and energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.  And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.”  Wow! Think about that! There is only one of you in all time. You are unique.  When you die your youness will be lost to your family for ALL time. Surely your life and the impact you made on their lives deserve a gathering and a few words?

 

Instead of telling your children what not to do. Ask them what they would do. Try to gain an understanding of what will bring them some comfort. Talk about the budget. Go visit the funeral home and talk to the funeral director. Be honest and frank. Tell him what you like and do not like. Tell him what you would like your funeral service to include.

 

Life is celebrated in different ways today. The essential element is that those who knew you and those who loved you have an opportunity to gather. A good funeral home will help you put together a gathering that reflects you and provides comfort for your family.

 

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According to the National Center for Education Statistics, more than three million high school students will graduate this year. There will be parties, balloons, cakes and speeches. Many of these young people will receive the gift of a wonderful little book written at 87 years of age by Dr. Seuss.

Oh, the Places You’ll Go! was the last book to be published during Seuss’s lifetime. It’s about the journey of life and its challenges. It’s inspiring and makes a terrific graduation gift and is sure to be appreciated by any graduating senior…especially when a check, gift card, or tickets to Europe are stuck inside.

But what about the other end of life. Shouldn’t there be another book… Oh, the Places You Have Been? Why, do people feel diminished as they age? Why are we taking less and less time to wrap up a life and tie it with a pretty ribbon? Why do we say, “No fuss needed for me, no funeral needed.”? Surely six, seven, or even nine decades of life are worth celebrating.

At the end of every life shouldn’t there be a look back? What about the choices that were made, the work that was done, the people encountered, the things that were learned? What about all that? Shouldn’t just sticking with it through all the ups and the downs of life merit a celebration of some kind? As Seuss advises, “With brains in your head and shoes full of feet, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose.”

There have to be stories. This is the generation that began with a party line telephone and is ending up with telephone watches that take pictures and tell you how many steps you’ve taken in a day! There have to be stories. These people served in Vietnam, listened to the Beatles, watched a man land on the moon. They had black and white TV that only sent a signal a few hours a day and they walked to the TV to change channels! There have to be stories.

Now is the time. Capture those stories. Ask your parent(s) about their life before you. Ask the same of grandparents. Ask about their hopes and dreams. What surprised them? What was fun and what was hard? Capture the stories and the life lessons. Prepare to celebrate the grands as well as the grads.

 

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Does it take losing something to make us see its real value? Suddenly we find ourselves in a world where weddings and funerals may not happen. Just a few weeks ago people might have questioned the need for these kinds of gatherings. Now, we begin to feel what we have lost. Albeit a temporary loss, something we must do for now, perhaps a takeaway is a clearer understanding of how important our social rituals really are.

A wedding is much more than the party and the white dress. It’s really about witnessing two people making a commitment. It’s the vows. When two people look at each other, with love in their eyes, and vow to walk through life together through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death parts them. That is a wedding. That is important. A party can be held to celebrate the union any time. It’s the vows that make it a wedding and having family and friends witness those vows means something.

In the same way a funeral has a moment. A life can be celebrated weeks or even months after a death. However, when a person close to us dies the immediate response is numbness and disbelief. A funeral fills the important need we have to come together and share. At the funeral we understand the death is real and we do that in the comfort of community with family and friends. Funerals help.

For now, our gatherings may be curtailed. We will do what must be done to deal with a very real and very scary threat. Weddings may be postponed, and we will comfort those who experience a loss as best we can.

 

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