Deciding Between Burial and Cremation

First, take a deep breath, there is no wrong decision. Burial and cremation are just different means to the same end. The end is decomposition of the human body. The shell that for a lifetime housed a soul.

One is quick – cremation. The other is slow – burial. Aside from religious dictates, your choice is a personal matter. Whichever you choose will be just fine. Today about half of the people choose cremation and half choose burial. Some choose both. They are cremated and have their cremated remains buried.

Regardless of what you decide your choice will be inclusive. You can celebrate the life that was lived, honor your faith, and bring family and friends together with either cremation or burial.

Begin the decision-making process by taking some time to talk with close family members. Regardless of whether you are deciding for yourself in advance, or for a family member who has just passed, you’ll want to consider these three things:

  1. Your family and their values and needs

How do the close family members feel about burial and cremation? When all is said and done close family members need to be comfortable with the choice. Grief is hard enough when everyone has peace of mind regarding the mode of final disposition. Nagging doubts should be avoided if possible. Some people are not comfortable with burial and an equal number are uneasy with the process of cremation. When evaluating the cremation or burial question it is important to remember the body will be without feeling. The spirit or soul is gone. The body will not feel heat or cold or damp. Either burial or cremation can be carried out in a respectful dignified manner.

Consider the family’s established tradition. Does your family typically bury or cremate?  How strong are the ties to this tradition? Will a break from tradition create a burden for any of the family members? There are few times in life that are more emotionally charged than when a loved one has died. Regardless of which has been a family’s tradition, burial or cremation, it will be of value to determine how important adhering to the tradition will be to those close to the person who died.

  1. The values and beliefs of the person who died

When final disposition was not decided and communicated to all close family members by the person who died before death, the decision is left to the family. This can create uncertainty. Over the course of a lifetime the deceased may have expressed an interest in either burial or cremation or likely as not BOTH. A daughter heard mom say she was saddened when her friend was “just cremated” and there was no service. Perhaps the daughter thinks mom would never want to be cremated. A son may have been told by his father that his friend would “roll over in his grave” if he knew how much his wife spent on the funeral. What does that mean? Does it mean he does not want a funeral?  Or does it mean he doesn’t want the family to overspend?

To add to the conundrum everyone wants to do whatever the one who has died would have wanted. If you find yourself in the position of trying to sort out what to do for a loved one who has just died you will just have to do your best. Talk it out with your close family members. Be kind to each other. Listen. Try your best to find a solution that includes what is most important to each of the family members.

If you are deciding for yourself and grappling with the decision of whether to be buried or cremated and need help with the decision, call your funeral director and ask for help.  All funeral homes have a person on staff who can explain the options and help you find the solution that works for you and your family. There is typically no cost for a planning session.

  1. Decide what is “cost-effective” for your family

Cost-effective is not the same as cheap. Cost-effective is a balance. It is a place where what you spend meets what your heart desires. You get what you need and are not left with a financial burden. Think of it like buying a pair of shoes. A lot depends on what’s important to you. Are you going hiking or dancing? You most likely have a list of considerations that you will weigh before making your purchase decision. Only one of them is cost. If cost is the only driver in your decision – if you go for the least expensive foot covering – you just might find yourself on a painful sock footed hike! Cost-effective feels good. Cheapest may not.

Burial or cremation can be cost effective. Cremation can eliminate the need for some products and services which eliminates some costs. Once you have gotten in touch with the family’s values and the individual values of the person who has died, or if you are planning for yourself, your own values, establish a budget that will feel like money well spent. Talk with your funeral director. Share both your heart’s desires and your budget. Let your funeral director help you find the solution that is right for your family.

When planning for yourself the most important thing is to decide and communicate your decision clearly to all who will be impacted when you die. Avoid leaving your family without a clear, well thought out direction.

 

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The Loneliness in Losing a Life Partner

To say one “feels lonely” after losing their life partner is an understatement, especially if you have been happily married for many years. In time, however, you may find yourself at a crossroads. On one hand you can’t imagine life with another partner while on the other you hand you can’t bear this loneliness. You want a partner again.

 

Where your adult children are concerned, good preparation can literally keep your family from falling apart. Hard as it may be, talk to them and share how you feel and what you are missing. As much as you love your family and as much as they love you, their love cannot satisfy what you need. Help your children understand that you are not trying to replace their mom or dad, but that you may want to have someone to eat dinner with or a bridge partner again.

 

As soon as the thought of dating enters your mind, before you bring the thought to life with a real person, think about how a new relationship will land with your adult children. Consider both the emotional impact and the financial concerns that might be raised. Make an appointment with your attorney and talk about how a second marriage would impact your estate. Family concerns about money or the inheritance will only make things more difficult if you begin to date. We’ve all heard stories, so get your affairs in order BEFORE there is a person you care about and share any changes you make to your estate with your children.

 

If possible, consider your pace. If you slow down just a little bit and really enjoy the dating part of a relationship, it will give your children some time to get used to the idea of you dating again. It can help everyone adjust to the changing family dynamic that occurs when a new person is added to the mix. Just as the family dynamic changed when your children dated and/or married, it will change again if you start dating.

 

Communicate, talk about how you feel, and if you decide to date, go slow. Take care of those money matters early on so that any changes will not be seen as the fault of the new person in your life.

 

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What is Direct Disposition?

What is direct disposition?

Who can provide this service?

When does direct disposition make sense?

Direct disposition is a term used to describe burial or cremation that takes place directly following death. The deceased is removed from the place of death and taken directly to be either buried or cremated. There is no preparation of the body or opportunity for family members to see the body before the burial or cremation takes place. A memorial service may follow direct disposition.

Direct disposition providers include cremation societies, direct disposal facilities, and funeral homes. Cremation societies may contract in advance to provide cremation for a predetermined fee. Most often the fee will include removal of the body and transportation to the cremation facility provided the death occurs within a prescribed geographical range. If death occurs outside the area additional fees will be charged. Frequently these cremations take place in very basic stripped-down facilities similar to a warehouse or a strip mall. They are typically no frills, no public admittance buildings.  They are usually the lowest cost alternative with the least amount of service options when someone dies.

Direct disposition can also be arranged through a funeral home. In this case the family will be offered the option of viewing either with or without embalming before the cremation takes place. This viewing can be particularly important to family members who live in a different part of the state or country. These folks often have a need to see the deceased if they were not present at the time of death. The funeral home will transfer the deceased from the place of death to the cremation location. The funeral home can also help with a memorial service held either at the funeral home or even an off-site facility.

The option of Direct Disposition makes perfect sense for families with a religion that dictates the body be either buried or cremated within a brief period. It can also fill a need when the budget is very tight, or the person has little or no family connections. Sadly, some people make this decision based on dollars alone without considering the impact on family and friends. They never check with their local funeral home to learn about the services available and the cost of those services. This can add needless pain for family and friends.

 

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Why Using a Family Owned Funeral Home Matters

If you are like most Americans you are probably shopping local, but maybe you have not stopped to think about why you are drawn to working with local businesses.

Researchers tell us local businesses are more likely to utilize other local businesses, making our communities stronger. For every $100 you spend at a local business $68 will stay in the community. Locally owned independent businesses return more than three time as much money to the community in which they operate than chain competitors. Locally, family owned funeral homes hire local, use other locally owned businesses when they need service, and contribute to the community.

All of that is important. However, when a family member dies, few of the reasons discussed above are likely to come into play as you pick up the phone to call a funeral home. There is one reason that is top of mind in that situation, and it does matter. It is there right in front of you even if you are not fully aware. When something is important, like how your family experiences the death of a beloved family member, we all seek accountability. We want a provider who is connected to us. When it is something important, we want someone who cares about how they do their job. We want someone who will see us at church or at the ball field. We want to use a funeral provider that is accountable to the community.

It is the reason we like the locally owned appliance store over the big box store. Our local store cares if the microwave works. If it does not work, they will fix it. It is the same reason we like to shop at the local farmer’s market. The big chain supermarket might hide the old soft berries at the bottom of the basket. The farmer, who is your neighbor, will not. When a service provider is your neighbor, they are accountable for their work. You know where and how to reach them to tell them they did a good job, or where they did not meet your expectations. We all know full well accountability is hard to get from the big guys. Just take a moment to think back to that last call you made to your cable or internet provider. How long were you on hold? Accountability is the reason we choose locally-owned whenever we can.

A family-owned funeral home is connected to the community and answers to that community. The funeral director’s children go to school with your children. They know you and understand your needs. If you are fortunate enough to have a family-owned funeral home in your community, place your trust in them when the need arises.

 

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Thinking of your own mortality

According to the Center for Disease Control, the average life expectancy for a person living in the United States is 78.6 years. Women on average live slightly longer than men. Our own mortality is not something most people think about on a daily basis. However, it is something that bubbles up in our consciousness from time to time.

 

Sometimes the death of a famous person who was a contemporary of ours will trigger the thought that someday we will be gone. Even a major purchase like that of a new roof can trigger a reality check. Do you want a roof that is guaranteed for 50 years or will you spend less and get the 30-year roof? A near miss with an illness of your own or a friend’s experience with an illness can be a reality check. At times like these, people understand the fragile nature of life.

 

When the thought that you will one day die hits you, most people start to consider their preparedness. Have you and your spouse talked about and made the decisions that will assure arrangements go smoothly? Will your children have the same idea of what you would like done? Or are they all singing from different song books?

 

How many times have you thought about doing something about your level of preparedness? How many times have you let that thought go without taking action? It is easy to procrastinate about getting your funeral arrangements in order, written down at the funeral home of your choice, and informing your children of your plan. After all, it is the last thing you need to do. Really, the last.

 

However, it won’t be the thing you want to do when you get to the end. No one is guaranteed of advance notice of their death. For some it is sudden and unexpected. The thing is, it is much easier to get this little job done than most people think.

 

The funeral home of your choice has a person on staff who is designated to help people of all ages plan their funeral in advance. There is usually no cost for this consultation.  Getting a plan in place is a great relief for you and it is a thoughtful gift for your family.  When you die, deciding what should be included in your funeral will not be something your family wants to do either, but they will have no choice. They will appreciate your kindness toward them if you have provided them with guidance.

 

The year is drawing to a close. Perhaps it is finally time to make the call and set up a time to meet with the advance planning professional at the funeral home of your choice.

The process is easy. Nearly every person who makes the call ends their time with the advance planner by expressing relief and commenting, “this was so much easier than I expected.”

 

 

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