Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

Should I Go to the Funeral?

Why should you attend a funeral? The presence of family and friends at the funeral is appreciated. We gather to acknowledge a life that was lived. We gather to comfort those for whom life has just been forever changed by the death of someone they loved.

If you care for one or more of the survivors, you should attend the funeral (even if you did not know the person who died). Your friend will appreciate your presence. Being there shows that you acknowledge that your friend’s life has changed in some way. Your presence shows your support.

If you knew the person who died but do not know their family, you should attend the funeral. Your presence demonstrates your respect for human life in general and the life of the person who died in particular. Perhaps you worked with the person who died. It is comforting for the surviving family to know the person they loved was also appreciated at work.

If you are hesitating because you are unfamiliar with the person’s faith and fear you will embarrass yourself or feel like a fish out of water, go anyway. You will be fine. You can prepare a little in advance by looking for some information online about the funeral customs of the family’s faith.

When should you stay home? Anytime you are going to a funeral and you know it will make one or more members of the immediate family uncomfortable, perhaps you shouldn’t go. If going is more about you and less about the deceased or the surviving family, don’t go. A funeral is not a place to prove a point.

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Why Children Should Be Included in a Funeral.

When a child falls and scuffs a knee, we kiss the boo-boo. A boo-boo kiss doesn’t really make the injury “all better” but, it is an important first step. It acknowledges the injury. The child is comforted that an adult is in charge. They know they are not alone. The hurt knee might need stitches, or it might just need some soap and water and a super hero bandage. Either way, the boo-boo kiss is the first step to things falling into order.

A funeral is like a boo-boo kiss. Everyone needs to start somewhere when someone in the family dies. The funeral, regardless of its form, acknowledges that life has changed for everyone. Gathering together provides an opportunity to give and receive comfort. It provides an opportunity to share memories. The child can see that he is not alone in his feelings of sadness. The funeral is for all family, friends, and, yes, the kids.

Psychocologytoday.com suggests that children be asked if they wish to attend the funeral. The child chooses. This means an adult should be able to tell the child what she can expect so the choice is an informed one.

When children are a part of the family experiencing loss, they should be considered from the very beginning of funeral preparations. Those family members making arrangements, should ask the funeral director about how children will be accommodated. Ask about a family lounge where kids may take a break. Ask if you can bring snacks for the younger ones.

The adults in charge should be sure they have all the information needed so they can properly prepare the children in the family. A funeral isn’t easy, it does not make the loss less acute, and nothing can make it “all better.” A funeral is an important first step to a healthy adjustment to loss. Kids should be included to the extent they wish to be.

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Planning a Memorial Service: Do it Yourself or Call the Funeral Director?

Who fixes the toilet at your house? The self-appointed plumber or the professional plumber? Some call the professional before the not-so-handy handy person takes the lid off the tank. We know, from experience, what happens once that lid hits the floor and the tools come out. It all starts out calm, cool and collected. The fixer asks all family members if they just happen to have one of those little ball chains laying around. Then it progresses to a shout to turn off the main (because water is spraying all over the bathroom) rapidly. What we end up with is a handle that must be jiggled just so after each flush and a big mess on the bathroom floor. Not to mention the hurt feelings and self-esteem issues when the professional is finally called.

Sometimes a professional is just the best possible choice. This is equally true when it comes to planning a memorial service. Call the funeral director. The funeral director knows how to put together a memorial service that will meet your family’s needs. The funeral director is a skilled communicator. That means he knows how to listen and mediate just in case family members are not on the same page. The funeral director has done this many times before. He knows who can help with the pictures, the food, the music, the doves, the bagpipers, the fireworks, whatever it takes to help your family honor the life of the one you lost.

Funeral directors are trained professionals. They have met the educational requirements of your state. They have passed the exam. In most instances they have served a lengthy apprenticeship. They have not only learned how to take care of the body of the deceased, they have learned how to take care of YOU.

Jiggling the toilet handle after each flush is a mild annoyance. Tip toeing around your sibling because the memorial for your parent was not just right is so much bigger. Call the funeral home and ask how they can help you.

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When Where You Live is Not Where You Want to be Buried

Sometimes people make something appear so simple and effortless that we forget how complex the task really is. We begin to undervalue its accomplishment.

If you’ve ever taught a child or a grandchild to tie a shoelace you know what I mean. Once you’ve got it, and have been doing it for a while, you can literally tie a shoe with your eyes closed. But when you try to break it down for your little one into all the steps that are required to make that bow, it clearly is quite complex.

Many aspects of funeral service fall into the category of “it seems pretty simple.” It’s understandable that we may begin to question the value. The funeral home makes it seem so easy the layperson has no idea what is really involved in pulling off the task.

For example, when a dream to retire to someplace warmer, or prettier, or more exotic is realized and a family member dies away from where they planned to be buried, there is a lot to consider. There is also a lot to be done. Luckily the funeral home can help.

The first step is to call the funeral home. The funeral home that is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You know that building that is always clean and company ready, with the yard mowed, flowers fresh, and carpets swept. Call them. They will transfer your loved one into their care. The funeral directors will take care of the deceased. They will wash the body, dress the body, and prepare the body for final farewells.

When the designated family members have gathered in the warmer, prettier place they will need to meet with a local funeral director. There are decisions to make and people to consider. What about all the new friends that were made in the new home? Will there be a service for them? Is there a second spouse? Does that person have connections and a support system at the “back home” burial community? Who will receive the body when it arrives home? Will there be a service at a church, a funeral home, or at the graveside? This is when the funeral director will take care of you. The funeral director will guide you through these decisions helping you make sure all those left behind experience their loss with the most comfort and support possible. The funeral director will take care of the living as well as the deceased.

Once all the logistical decisions have been made and various events scheduled, the funeral director will again focus on care of the deceased. The funeral home staff will need to make sure death certificates are applied for, all the regulations and paperwork concerning transporting a body are met. The body will then be prepared for the journey home.

It’s not as easy as it looks. There is value in having the help of funeral professionals at a time when you and your family are tired, sad, and maybe not thinking so straight.

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There is a Vitality

“When I die, I really don’t care what you do with me. Just ___ ___ me. I don’t want you to make a fuss.”

Really? Are these the instructions you are leaving your family? Of course, it does not matter to you and you really will not need a fuss. You will be the dead one. They, however, care and they need a fuss. If you are thinking it is not so, take a minute and turn the tables. How would you feel if you lost them? Would you just ___ ___ them?

Most of the time someone is tempted to pass on these kinds of instructions, it is for one of three reasons. It is because the idea of dying scares them and makes them uncomfortable. Or, it is because they are thinking about the wrong person. They are thinking about themselves, not their survivors. Then there are those who have just never been to a funeral they liked.

All these reasons are understandable, but none are reason enough to leave your family with nothing. As Martha Graham, the famous dancer, once said, “There is a vitality, a life force, and energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.” Wow! Think about that! There is only one of you in all time. You are unique. When you die your youness will be lost to your family for ALL time. Surely your life and the impact you made on their lives deserve a gathering and a few words?

Instead of telling your children what not to do. Ask them what they would do. Try to gain an understanding of what will bring them some comfort. Talk about the budget. Go visit the funeral home and talk to the funeral director. Be honest and frank. Tell him what you like and do not like. Tell him what you would like your funeral service to include.

Life is celebrated in different ways today. The essential element is that those who knew you and those who loved you have an opportunity to gather. A good funeral home will help you put together a gathering that reflects you and provides comfort for your family.