To Plan or Not to Plan Your Funeral in Advance

How does Advance funeral Planning affect the first hours before a funeral and the days and weeks that follow?

 

Making the call:  When a loved one passes, contacting the funeral home is the first thing that needs to be done.

 

When a funeral plan is in place and on file at the funeral home there is no question as to who to call. The deceased has left a clear message. The stunned, tired, grief-stricken family just makes the call and the funeral home takes your loved one into their care.

 

When a death occurs and no plan has been recorded at a funeral home, the first order of business is deciding which funeral home to call. The stunned, tired, grief-stricken family must agree upon who they will trust to guide them through this difficult time. Which funeral establishment will help them honor their loved one in a way that satisfies all their needs and fits their budget.

 

The evening before the arrangement conference:

 

When a plan is in place the family can take this time to comfort each other. They can share memories. They can go through pictures or just rest. Tomorrow they will meet with the funeral director and review the plan their family member put together with them in mind.

 

For the family with no plan in place, tomorrow will bring many questions and decisions. Tonight, they will be weighing in on the big question, burial or cremation. They will be figuring out how much to spend and who will pay for the funeral. They will need to decide which of them will participate in the arrangement conference. They will need to consider and agree upon how to honor this life.

 

The days and weeks after the service

 

The family with the plan has no doubts, no second-guessing and no regrets. They know they did the “right” thing. They know they spent the right amount of money. They miss the one they lost but they have no regrets about the service that honored their loved one’s life.

 

Sadly not all families are able to pull together following the loss of a family member. Some are pulled apart because they disagree about decisions great and small. The days and weeks following a death are tense and emotional. It is a difficult time to be making group decisions.

 

www.sytsemafh.com

Email to a Funeral Director

To: Funeral Director

From: Dad with no plan

Subject: A question about funeral preplanning

 

Before I get to my question, I have to tell you the background.

 

Friday after Thanksgiving I took my wife (who cooked for a week for that dinner) and my kids (who came from west coast, east coast, and the middle) and the grandkids (who only ate rolls for Thanksgiving) out for pizza.

 

Sounds nice, right? OMG! It took us forever to order, no one could agree!  We ended up with one cheese pizza for the picky grandkids, a large with ¼ meat lovers, ¼ with anchovies, and ½ supreme. We also ordered a medium white with gluten free crust. Still they were all picking stuff off, making faces, and huffing and puffing. OMG again!

 

So, my question…and I need your opinion here…how are they going to do when the time comes for them to meet with you to plan my funeral? Do you think maybe the wife and I should do one of those funeral preplans or advance funeral plans?

 

Response

To: Dad with no plan

From: Funeral Director

Subject: Re: A question about funeral preplanning

 

OMG yes, you and your wife need a plan. Your family sounds perfectly normal! They’ll get over the pizza … but I’ve seen too many families break apart over disagreements about how to honor their parent’s life. Decisions such as burial or cremation or who is going to pay can be tough when families are grieving. A funeral plan is an easy fix. I’d be happy to help. When do you want to meet with me? At the funeral home or your house?

 

www.sytsemafh.com

To Plan or Not to Plan Your Funeral in Advance

How does Advance Funeral Planning affect the first hours before a funeral and the days and weeks that follow?

 

CALLING THE FUNERAL HOME / MORTUARY

 

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is already in place and on file at the funeral home, there is no question as to who to call.  The deceased has left a clear message. The stunned, tired, grief-stricken family just makes the call and the funeral home takes your loved one into their care.

 

No funeral preplan in place: When a death occurs and no funeral preplan has been recorded at a funeral home, the first order of business is deciding which funeral home to call. The stunned, tired, grief stricken family must agree upon who they will trust to guide them through this difficult time. They must determine the funeral establishment that will help honor their loved one in a way that satisfies all their needs and fits their budget.

 

THE EVENING BEFORE THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENT CONFERENCE

 

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is in place, the family can take this time to comfort each other. They can share memories, go through pictures or just rest. Tomorrow they will meet with the funeral director and review the funeral plan their family member put together with them in mind.

 

No funeral preplan in place: For the family with no funeral preplan in place, tomorrow will bring many questions and decisions. Tonight, they will be weighing in on one big question – burial or cremation. They’ll be figuring out how much to spend and who will pay for the funeral. They will need to decide which of them will participate in the arrangement conference. They will need to consider and agree upon how to honor their loved one’s life.

 

DAYS AND WEEKS AFTER THE FUNERAL

 

Funeral preplan already in place: The family with the funeral preplan has no doubts, no second-guessing, and no regrets. They know they did the “right” thing.  They know they spent the right amount of money. They miss the one they lost but they have no regrets about the service that honored their loved one’s life.

 

No funeral preplan in place: Sadly not all families are able to pull together following the loss of a family member. Some are pulled apart because they disagree about decisions great and small. The days and weeks following a death are emotional and tense. It can be a very difficult time to be making group decisions.

 

www.sytsemafh.com

When Your Parent Loses Their Spouse

“And the two shall be as one” just rolls off our tongue. But think about it. What does it mean to the one who lives when their partner has died? Are they now a half? Families are interesting in that we tend to “know” our family member as their role relates to us. Mom is mom, dad is dad. We kids typically don’t really see the couple side, or the work side, or the friend side of our parents.

 

So how must it feel to lose your life partner? Try to step into your parent’s shoes. Pretty quickly in a marriage the jobs are assigned. She does the laundry, he cooks the dinner, she manages the household budget, and he manages the retirement plan. Sure, they have separate interests but look at all those shared interests. Are they lost with this death? What happens to their couple activities?  Do friends still invite them for bridge or to join the bowling team when they become a single? Life changes drastically when death parts a couple.

 

If your parent begins to date, it is not so easy to move from your point of view to understanding and accepting theirs. For a child it may feel too soon, like your living parent is replacing your deceased parent. Perhaps this new wife or husband is stepping in a way that you thought you would. She is going to the doctor’s appointments with dad or cooking dad dinner when you expected to fill that role. He is mowing mom’s lawn with dad’s lawn mower no less! It’s hard.

 

Consider working on changing the way you look at this budding relationship.  How hard would it be to live as a half when you have been married for 35, 50, or even 60 years? Maybe this new relationship is a search for the happiness they had with your deceased parent? Try to understand that as we age, time really is limited and precious. And honestly…maybe they can’t wait. Maybe they need a partner, or another half, to be whole again.

 

 

www.sytsemafh.com

Deciding Between Burial and Cremation

First, take a deep breath, there is no wrong decision. Burial and cremation are just different means to the same end. The end is decomposition of the human body. The shell that for a lifetime housed a soul.

One is quick – cremation. The other is slow – burial. Aside from religious dictates, your choice is a personal matter. Whichever you choose will be just fine. Today about half of the people choose cremation and half choose burial. Some choose both. They are cremated and have their cremated remains buried.

Regardless of what you decide your choice will be inclusive. You can celebrate the life that was lived, honor your faith, and bring family and friends together with either cremation or burial.

Begin the decision-making process by taking some time to talk with close family members. Regardless of whether you are deciding for yourself in advance, or for a family member who has just passed, you’ll want to consider these three things:

  1. Your family and their values and needs

How do the close family members feel about burial and cremation? When all is said and done close family members need to be comfortable with the choice. Grief is hard enough when everyone has peace of mind regarding the mode of final disposition. Nagging doubts should be avoided if possible. Some people are not comfortable with burial and an equal number are uneasy with the process of cremation. When evaluating the cremation or burial question it is important to remember the body will be without feeling. The spirit or soul is gone. The body will not feel heat or cold or damp. Either burial or cremation can be carried out in a respectful dignified manner.

Consider the family’s established tradition. Does your family typically bury or cremate?  How strong are the ties to this tradition? Will a break from tradition create a burden for any of the family members? There are few times in life that are more emotionally charged than when a loved one has died. Regardless of which has been a family’s tradition, burial or cremation, it will be of value to determine how important adhering to the tradition will be to those close to the person who died.

  1. The values and beliefs of the person who died

When final disposition was not decided and communicated to all close family members by the person who died before death, the decision is left to the family. This can create uncertainty. Over the course of a lifetime the deceased may have expressed an interest in either burial or cremation or likely as not BOTH. A daughter heard mom say she was saddened when her friend was “just cremated” and there was no service. Perhaps the daughter thinks mom would never want to be cremated. A son may have been told by his father that his friend would “roll over in his grave” if he knew how much his wife spent on the funeral. What does that mean? Does it mean he does not want a funeral?  Or does it mean he doesn’t want the family to overspend?

To add to the conundrum everyone wants to do whatever the one who has died would have wanted. If you find yourself in the position of trying to sort out what to do for a loved one who has just died you will just have to do your best. Talk it out with your close family members. Be kind to each other. Listen. Try your best to find a solution that includes what is most important to each of the family members.

If you are deciding for yourself and grappling with the decision of whether to be buried or cremated and need help with the decision, call your funeral director and ask for help.  All funeral homes have a person on staff who can explain the options and help you find the solution that works for you and your family. There is typically no cost for a planning session.

  1. Decide what is “cost-effective” for your family

Cost-effective is not the same as cheap. Cost-effective is a balance. It is a place where what you spend meets what your heart desires. You get what you need and are not left with a financial burden. Think of it like buying a pair of shoes. A lot depends on what’s important to you. Are you going hiking or dancing? You most likely have a list of considerations that you will weigh before making your purchase decision. Only one of them is cost. If cost is the only driver in your decision – if you go for the least expensive foot covering – you just might find yourself on a painful sock footed hike! Cost-effective feels good. Cheapest may not.

Burial or cremation can be cost effective. Cremation can eliminate the need for some products and services which eliminates some costs. Once you have gotten in touch with the family’s values and the individual values of the person who has died, or if you are planning for yourself, your own values, establish a budget that will feel like money well spent. Talk with your funeral director. Share both your heart’s desires and your budget. Let your funeral director help you find the solution that is right for your family.

When planning for yourself the most important thing is to decide and communicate your decision clearly to all who will be impacted when you die. Avoid leaving your family without a clear, well thought out direction.

 

www.sytsemafh.com