Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services – Norton Shores, MI

The amount of time that has passed since the death should not be the deciding factor when considering scheduling a service of remembrance for someone you loved. Especially now, when so many people have been required to postpone or eliminate celebrating a loved one’s life because of the pandemic. Instead of time, let your feelings be the deciding factor.

Many people are feeling off-kilter, just not right, about not having a funeral service for a family member. A funeral, celebration of life, or memorial service does not provide “closure”, there is still grief, but it does provide a very important milestone. The service is a public acknowledgement of the loss of someone dear. It is a pivot point. It is that moment in time when those who are grieving change their focus from the cause of death to remembering the life that was lived and the love that was shared. When we do not hold that milestone event, when we are not able, we feel unbalanced. It’s as though we have left something important undone. That feeling is what should drive us to do something regardless of the number of days, weeks, months, or years. It’s never too late to remember and honor the relationship with a person you loved and lost.

So, what can you do? You can call your funeral director and ask for ideas or help with execution of the ideas you and your family are already considering. Perhaps, the eulogy, more than any other aspect of a funeral, memorial service, or life celebration, is a key point. Think about how and where you want to eulogize your loved one. You may choose an informal venue, a faith-based venue, a club the deceased belonged to, or a restaurant where they liked to break bread.

You may choose to schedule the remembrance service on the anniversary of the death.  Or you may choose the deceased’s birthday, or her favorite holiday, or even a day when his favorite team has a big game scheduled.

Although there is nothing quite like an in-person gathering where folks can talk, cry, and hug each other, sometimes that just isn’t possible. If you find yourself feeling that something is missing, get creative. Find a way to share your memories. Write that eulogy, mail it, post it, or Zoom it.  Share it with others who were close to the person who died.

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The practice of sending a deceased loved one off with objects from this earthly life is as old as mankind. Ancient Egyptians believed when a person died, they passed into “the afterlife.” Burial goods paralleled objects used in life because it was believed these same objects would be needed in the afterlife. Burial goods included food, drink, tools, make-up, jewelry, pots, gold, and the like.

Even though few people today believe anything placed in the casket will be used by the deceased in the afterlife the practice of placing objects in the casket is alive and well.  Possibly it is because letting go of someone we love is so hard, we find comfort in sending something along with the deceased and keeping something that belonged to the deceased for ourselves.

Most casket manufacturers offer caskets that include a small compartment for mementos family members may want to place with their loved one. Many people like to put a personal note in the compartment. A note can allow mourners to express their emotions or to share a thank you or even to say they are sorry or to express forgiveness for a wrongdoing. Grandchildren often like to put a drawing or love note in the little drawer of the casket. Sometimes it is wedding rings or even a golf ball that are buried with the person who died. What goes into the casket is as varied and individual as the person who has died and the family that loved them.

When we humans lose a wife or husband, mother or father, son or daughter, brother or sister, or dear friend, a hole is created in our life. The space that person held in our life is empty. Still, the love we had for them is not gone. Grieving is difficult and lasts for a good while. Anything that eases the pain, even a little, is good and welcome. Sending something off with the loved one is one way we find comfort. Another is to keep something – a remembrance.

Funeral homes usually offer a wide range of funeral goods for this purpose. There are teddy bears made from a grandfather’s flannel shirt or a gold or silver thumb print that can be worn on a chain or on a bracelet. For those who are cremated there is a whole line of cremation jewelry. These pieces will typically hold a small portion of the ashes.   All one need do is ask their funeral director what is available. The answer will most likely reveal a wide variety of comforting options.

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The thing about cheap funeral homes is the business model works for them and may not necessarily work for you. You, the person who has just lost someone you love. You, the person who needs the services of a funeral home.

Cheap funeral homes hang their hat on volume. They are playing the numbers. Lots of funerals, little service. The bar is low by design. The professional staff to funeral ratio is low. Fewer skilled people doing more funerals translates to less overhead for the funeral home and determines their profitability.

That can mean families have less time with the funeral director handling their family member’s service. It can mean less consistency. You may not be able to talk to the director you worked with yesterday, today. Fewer people doing more nearly always increases the risk for error. Many people need more help and guidance than they expected when they are tired and numb following the loss of someone dear. The kind of service, how do I write the obituary, how do I notify social security, how do I access my father’s veteran’s benefits, is often not a part of the service model for low-cost funeral providers.

Cheap funeral homes usually have bare bones facilities. The location may be in a light industrial or shopping area. The building may be more like a warehouse and less like a home. The atmosphere may be less comforting than what you and your family are accustomed to when you have worked with your local neighborhood funeral home in the past.

Cheap funeral homes tend to advertise a low-cost bare bones service. Often this service does not include what you expect from experiences you’ve had in the past. You may find things you expected to happen are not going to happen or can only be done at an additional cost. For example, the low advertised price may not include an opportunity for out-of-town family members to say a final good-bye.

As you move closer to what you wanted and expect in a traditional funeral you will move farther away from the low advertised price that first drew you in. By the time you get what you want, if you can get what you want, you may find you are spending more, not less, than you would have spent at your own hometown funeral home.

Before you decide on a funeral provider call your local hometown funeral home. Be up front and clear about your budgetary needs. Funerals leave lasting impressions; they can heal but they can also hurt. You only get one chance to get it right.

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It’s not unusual for your local hometown funeral home to look better than your own home. However, that neatly mowed lawn and manicured landscape doesn’t mean expensive or out of reach. What it does mean is the people who work there pay attention to details, they care about the quality of their work, and they care about you.

A neat and tidy environment calms the mind. According to a 2011 Princeton study, “While our brains are perhaps the most complex structures in the universe, capable of doing amazing things, they’re also easily overwhelmed. A cluttered environment makes it more difficult to focus on a specific task.”  That said, anyone who has ever experienced the death of a close family member or friend knows loss makes it difficult to think straight. The funeral home provides what mourners need, even if they don’t know they need it. You are offered an orderly, calming environment in which to wrestle with the impact of the death of the one you loved.

The funeral home is always company ready. The furniture is pleasant to look at and comfortable to sit in. It is free of pet hair. The carpets are vacuumed, sometimes in neat rows with military precision. All of this is provided so you don’t need to worry if your home is ready to receive guests. The funeral home is your place to receive your friends and family. A burden is lifted from the family when they know they have the support of the staff and a neat and tidy place to receive their friends without having to lift a finger.

How the public spaces look reflect how carefully and respectfully the funeral directors and staff care for your deceased family member. The staff is equally obsessed with the paperwork that needs to be completed, the clergy person has what they need to provide the service, the cars and drivers are escorted safely to the church or grave-site and the deceased is presentable. The great attention to detail the funeral home staff provides translates to comfort and peace of mind for the family members.

So, don’t be put off or intimidated by the lovely décor and neatness of your local funeral home. It’s all a part of the service.

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