Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

What Is the Purpose of the Register Book?

There are a lot of little things that make a funeral special. And one thing that you’ll find at most funerals is a register book. Although it might feel strange to “sign in” to a funeral, register books serve multiple, essential functions. So, what exactly is the purpose of a register book?

What is a register book?

A register book goes by many names, including a funeral guest book or a funeral memorial book. Whatever you call it, it’s a book where funeral attendees can write their names and contact information, as well as stories about the decedent and well wishes for their loved ones. It’s typically placed near the funeral home’s entrance to allow attendees to sign it while they’re about to enter or on their way out.

Why should you use a register book?

When we think of a guest book, weddings usually come to mind. Wedding guests are typically asked to sign into a book where they give their name and often sweet sentiments for the happy couple. Later on, the couple uses that book to send out thank you notes. It also functions as a souvenir for a day that tends to go by very quickly, allowing the couple to read loving messages from guests they didn’t get to spend a lot of time with because they had so many other people to entertain.

Although a funeral and a wedding feel like two very different occasions, they share many similarities. One is celebrating a new life being forged by two people and another is celebrating a life already lived. Both days are often very overwhelming. There are so many people who are there to see you, talk to you, and comfort you. It’s not uncommon for either of those days to go by in a blur. You’ll likely not remember every person you spoke to or every kind word they said to you.

Register books give you a memento from the day of the funeral. You might wonder why you’d want to have those memories from such a difficult day, but afterward, you may find that keepsake gives you comfort. It reminds you of how loved the person you lost was and how many people came out to see them and pay their respects. It’s a comfort to know that your loved one’s memory lives on in all the people who adored them.

But beyond simply seeing the names of the people who came out to say goodbye, the book also contains a treasure trove of stories. Some you may have known, but many others unlock portions of your loved one’s life that you might not have even been aware of. A register book helps paint a picture of who the decedent was, from stories from childhood friends about what they were like as a kid to tales from coworkers and colleagues.

Do you have to use a register book?

No funeral home is going to require you to use a register book. But while you might not have to use one, you should consider carefully if you want to skip having one at your loved one’s funeral. You only get one opportunity to collect those stories and create that keepsake. At the end of the funeral, you may regret not having one as you struggle to remember all the faces that came out to support you, all the kind words that were said, and all the stories you were told.

You may also consider that you want to send out thank you cards to those who came to the funeral. Although this is also not a requirement, it’s a thoughtful way to reach back out to those who reached out to you. You may not know every person your loved one did personally, so you might not already have the contact information for every person at the funeral. A register book would help you collect that information so that you know where to send the card.

Having a register book at your loved one’s funeral may not be something that you’re required to have, but having that token to remember the event and all the people who loved your loved one is priceless. Beyond simply the names of those guests, you’ll have stories that keep their memory alive forever: an eternal comfort and a way to always feel close to the one you love and lost.

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Three Ways to Support Someone Who is Grieving in Isolation

Grief is difficult in perfectly normal times. However, when a global pandemic has us isolated, we lose two important comfort and coping mechanisms. Hugs are very hard to come by these days. In normal times the physical touch of a hug fills the vacuum when a person who loves another is at a loss for words but wants to show they care. Those who are grieving now, isolated and alone, have also lost another important coping mechanism. Distraction, via activity, is lost to many. Bridge groups are not meeting, church services and events are cancelled, volunteer activities have been suspended, all leaving mourners with many hours to pass alone.

If you know someone who has experienced a recent loss, look for a way to offer support and show you care. Three suggestions are:

Use your words. Make it easy, use the phone, make a call. For many, some of the newer technologies like Zoom and FaceTime may be frustrating. When a person is in the throes of grief learning something new can feel as realistic as climbing a mountain on a whim. While it’s great to see a face, being available to listen and to just talk is valuable. Make it easy. Make it regular. Set up a regular call time like coffee on Monday morning, cocktails at five on Friday, or lunch on Wednesday. A regular repeating time has the added benefit of giving both the caller and the person who is coping with grief something to look forward to. The more “you get together” the less you need to worry about what to say and what not to say. Conversation will become natural and will expand beyond the loss.

Offer to help where you can. Sometimes folks who are grieving get stuck. They are overwhelmed by a long list of little tasks that may seem simple to the rest of us. Where can I take the clothes? How do I safely discard medicine? How do I change the furnace filter? How do I get these leaves raked? Even the grocery store can feel overwhelming. Ask how you can help. Make a few suggestions. Keep in mind some people are not comfortable accepting help. Offer to do something specific. If that offer is not accepted, next time ask in an open-ended way such as “where could you use help”? If all else fails, just show up and pull the weeds.

Do something kind and unexpected. Bring dinner, buy a flower, put on your mask and offer a ride to the cemetery. Send a journal. Think cozy and warm. Drop off a hot chocolate kit, a mini pie, a scented candle or warm socks. Be creative. Show you care and be kind.

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Planning a Funeral for Someone in Hospice Care

Having a family member in hospice care is not easy. There is no denying death is near. Sometimes the care is difficult, especially when the illness is painful. Life is coming to an end.

Sometimes the funeral is something that the person who is dying wants to talk about. They open the discussion. They want to actively engage, maybe even provide instructions. This can be hard for the family. It may even be tempting to hush the person who is dying rather than embrace their desire and use it.

When a dying person wants to talk about how they will be remembered, it is a gift. It is an opportunity for them to reflect on and share the high points of their life. What was important to them, what it is they loved about their life. What the dying person needs from their family is for those around them to listen. Take it all in. These last requests are an opportunity. They provide the occasion to learn about favorite songs, readings, and stories. These requests can provide the basis for a meaningful funeral that helps family members begin to heal. Hold the hand, share the memories, no need to act … just be.

Of course, this is not the experience everyone has with a family member in hospice. Often the illness and the care that is required is so devastating that it is all that those closest can handle. Still, there is one decision that will need to be considered. Often, as a part of the hospice admission procedure, the family will be asked to designate a funeral home of choice and determine disposition of the body. That is to decide if there will be a cremation or a burial.

Knowing which funeral home to call is helpful. When choosing a funeral home most families will choose the funeral home their family has worked with in the past or the one members of their church have used. Perhaps a family member has attended a funeral that really resonated with them and would like to use that funeral home. Which funeral home to call is really the only decision that needs to be made at this stage. All of the rest, even the bury or cremate question, can wait. The funeral home will help you with everything else when the time comes. There will be time.

The funeral, how a family chooses to remember a beloved family member creates a lasting impression. The funeral changes the focus from the illness that brought about death to the full rich life that was lived. It is the opportunity to remember the childhood, loves, talents, and experiences that made up the fabric of a loved one’s life. The funeral doesn’t heal the pain of the loss that comes when someone we love dies but it does begin the process of healing.

When you have a loved one in hospice care you are in well-trained, caring hands. The medical professionals will walk you through all the stages, they will tell you what to expect, they will hold your hand and relieve the pain of the person you love and are losing. When death comes the funeral professionals take your loved one and your family into their care. The funeral professionals will help you put together a funeral service that honors the person you love and lost.

www.sytsemafh.com

Burial Vault: What’s the Point?

Historically speaking, burial vaults were conceived as a means of protection from grave robbers. They were designed and intended to make it difficult to get into the coffin and remove valuables or even the body itself from the grave. Early vaults were made of wood and were called a “rough box” because they were rustic and unfinished in comparison to the more finely finished coffin.

In the late 1800s grave liners were in common use. These were made of brick on site at the cemetery. Bricks were fashioned right in the grave literally lining the grave space. Over time the concept of protection expanded to include protection from the elements. Family members became interested in protecting the casket or coffin from water, critters, and decomposition in general. Many families today consider “how” they care for a deceased family member to be a reflection of their love for that person and point of family pride.

When burial is selected as the final disposition of the body the deceased is most often placed in a casket. The difference between a coffin and a casket is the shape. A coffin is six-sided, it is wider toward the top third to accommodate the shoulders of the body and tapers to the foot. More commonly used in the U.S. is the rectangularly shaped casket. Caskets are most often made of wood or metal.

Wood caskets can be made of any species of wood and may be finished with ornate carving or may be very simple. The easiest way to understand the difference in cost of wooden caskets is to apply what you know about furniture. Solid mahogany will cost more than a veneer of pine. Many caskets are also made of metal. Carbon steel, stainless steel, copper, or bronze are all used. The cost and durability of a metal casket is directly related to the material from which the casket is made.

Burial in a cemetery usually requires an outer burial container. A grave liner or a vault is almost universally required by every cemetery to protect the casket and the integrity of the grave space from the weight of the earth and the heavy equipment that will pass over the grave in order to provide routine maintenance of the property. Grave liners are no longer constructed on site and made of bricks. They are most often made of concrete. Grave liners do not seal. A vault can be made of concrete or fiberglass, with or without a metal liner. Vaults will have a seal.

At this point you may be thinking, “who cares?” Well that is the thing, many people do care, and they care deeply. Others do not. This is the reason why the trip to the casket selection space at the funeral home and the process of helping a family make a choice that fits their values and budget is sensitive. Open communication regarding values and budget is essential. Funeral directors are there to help, answer questions, and explain differences. They educate and the family chooses.

So, what is the point of the vault? The point will vary from one family to the next. For some the point will be to satisfy the cemetery requirement as frugally as possible. For others the point will be to protect the integrity of the grave as much as possible. It is a matter of personal choice.

www.sytsemafh.com

Memorializing an Avid Gardener

When a life ends, we remember. We remember the love, the bonds, and the passions of the person who died. A well put-together funeral that honors the life, faith, and relationships of the deceased is the first foothold on the path of healing for survivors.

Funerals that reflect a person’s interests can be powerful. They provide comfort for the family left behind. Funerals help change the focus from the cause of death, to the life that was lived. That remembering is comforting. So how can a family weave their mother or father’s love of gardening into the funeral service?

Be it a love of growing vegetables, flowers, or both, there are hundreds of ways to reflect a person’s passion for gardening in a funeral service. A few ideas follow:

Get that great picture of your gardener wearing their favorite gardening hat, face streaked with dirt and trowel in hand. Blow it up LARGE and display it during the visitation or memorial.
Ask friends and family to bring a small potted flower or plant in lei of traditional funeral flower arrangements and have a plant swap … those who attend the funeral can take home a plant to grow in their own garden in remembrance of the gardener.
Use your gardener’s favorite flowers or an arrangement of vegetables as the casket spray
If you really want to go big, consider what florists can do for weddings and talk to yours about bringing a garden to the church or funeral home.
Give a packet of seeds or a pair of garden gloves as a favor to funeral attendees
Include a garden-themed poem in the funeral service
Have a memorial tree planted at your local arboretum to honor your loved one.
Ask your funeral director to help you find funeral products that reflect that love of all things gardening to support the service choices you have made.

The ideas above are just a short list of possibilities. There are many more, you just need to do two things. First, be open. Think about that person you love, talk with the others who loved them. Ask yourself, “how do we showcase that gardening passion in the funeral or memorial service?” Second, ask for help. Tell your funeral director what you want to do. Challenge him to either be creative or help you connect with other professionals in your community who can support your goal. Your funeral director wants you and your family to have the absolute best, most meaningful funeral service. He or she is there to help you, just ask.