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Jewish Funeral Traditions

As we begin to learn more about religious practices outside of our own, it is sometimes surprising to find how much different faiths have in common. Mourners of all faiths understand the power of grief and the comfort of community. So, what happens when a person of the Jewish faith dies, and how can a person outside that faith support a friend or neighbor who is grieving?

In order to support a person of the Jewish faith when they have experienced a loss, one must learn about the Kaddish and sitting Shiva. According to Jewish Law anyone who has lost a parent, sibling, child, or spouse recites Kaddish every day beginning with the funeral and continuing for thirty days after the death. The Mourners Kaddish is a prayer, a profession of faith. The prayer is a listing of God’s holy attributes. Jewish law requires that sanctification of God’s name and requires ten voices … a minyan. This requirement of a minyan assures that the mourner is not alone. For thirty days the Mourners Kaddish is recited in the presence of at least ten people. According to Anita Diamant in her book Saying Kaddish… “The power of Kaddish comes, in large measure, from the consolations of being in a group that recognizes and embraces the bereaved”.

The Hebrew word for funeral is Levayah, which means “accompanying”. There is no religious requirement for clergy to be present at a Jewish funeral. The responsibility is on the family. The service does not address the ideas of heaven, redemption or reunion, the focus is on the life of the deceased. The service is simple. Here are no flowers or music, the casket is lowered and all in attendance participate in covering the coffin. Once the casket is lowered the business of caring for the dead is ended. The focus now shifts to mourning and supporting the family in their grief.

Shiva or “sitting Shiva” is a time for the bereaved. Traditionally Shiva lasts for seven days, although in modern times that is sometimes abbreviated to three days. It is a time to “sit” with grief. During Shiva the bereaved do not work or play. No calling into the office, no cooking, no dishes, no television or video games. Shiva is a time to do grief work. It is a time to explore emotions and feelings, to cry and to laugh. It is a time to share memories, tell stories, and receive consolation.

When a Jewish person dies:

Expect the service to take place the day after the death.
The service will be held either at a funeral home or a synagogue/temple
There will never be an open casket
The service will be led by a rabbi
The rabbi may deliver the eulogy or eulogies may be delivered by friends or family
Close friends and family will attend the interment. All who attend the interment will participate in filling the grave.
As the closest members of the family leave the gravesite, they pass between two rows of relatives and friends.
Do telephone or visit the bereaved
Do bring food, to be on the safe side, bring kosher food
Do not send flowers
Do make a contribution to a favorite charity in honor of the deceased
When calling on family members who are sitting Shiva expect to stay for 20 to 30 minutes. The Mourners Kaddish will be recited twice a day, morning and evening. A guest should stand when the mourners stand and read along with the prayer in English
The one-year anniversary of the death is marked with a ceremony, yahrzeit. This ceremony is by invitation only and usually involves a service at the synagogue and “unveiling” of the tombstone at the cemetery.

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What is PTSD?

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a newer name for a very old disorder. In the past it has been known as combat fatigue or shell shock. PTSD is not unique to veterans. It is also seen in first responders, those who witness terrorist attacks, or who are victims of weather disasters, rape or almost any act of traumatic violence. Still, high rates of PTSD are associated with veterans of all wars. www.verywellmind.com/rates-of -ptsd-veterans-2797430. It is a significant issue for our veterans and the families who love and support them.

PTSD is a chronic illness. Symptoms (difficulty sleeping, jumpiness, anger, inability to concentrate) can persist for years after the combat experience. For some, it is a burden they bear for the remainder of their life. It can lead to job loss, alcohol abuse, and drug abuse.

However, there are things a person with PTSD can do to help themselves. Go to helpguide.org www.helpguide.org and type in coping with PTSD to find some really good suggestions like “get moving”. Regular exercise is a basic first step. Another suggestion is finding a personal “calming trigger” something the person suffering with PTSD can utilize to relieve panic and anxiety.

If you know or are a person with PTSD reach out for help. If you know or are a person with PTSD who is having suicidal thoughts call 1-800- 273-TALK (8255)

Hard as PTSD is for the veteran, it is equally difficult for the support person (wife, husband, parent, partner, children). It is hard to understand and hard to cope. Many caregivers find they must take on more family responsibilities in addition to trying to be a support system for their family member. The caregiver must also reach out for help.

If you know someone who is caring for a Veteran with PTSD, help them. Cook a dinner, babysit the kids, give them a hug, mow the lawn. Just reach out and help. The best way to show our appreciation for those who serve might just be to take care of the one who takes care of them.

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What Can the Funeral Home Do for a Veteran?

Many who serve in the United States Military make a career of service. Others serve for a brief period and then move on to other careers. Regardless of whether the military is a person’s life work or a part of their life for a brief period, the experience often leaves its mark.

When the time comes to plan a funeral for a veteran it can be difficult for family members to sort out how much to emphasize the military service. Your funeral director is just the person to help.

He or she can suggest ideas that incorporate all the important aspects of one’s life into a single cohesive service plan. The funeral home offers many products that have a military theme. Caskets, vaults, and cremation urns that represent each branch of the service are available to honor a veteran’s service experience.

Pictures and video tributes can be put together that showcase all aspects and stages of life. Music selections may include the familiar songs that identify each branch of the service. All of the military aspects can be integrated with love of family, interests and hobbies, as well as spiritual beliefs that identify the multifaceted person who has died.

The Federal Government provides burial benefits for those who are honorably discharged from any branch of the service. What is provided is dependent upon enlistment status at the time of death and circumstances of the death. Suffice it to say the burial benefit provided by the government will not take care of everything. The funeral director will help a veteran’s family access those benefits available and fill in where needed.

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Funeral Service and Veterans Benefits

The Funeral Home is the best resource for understanding veterans death benefits.

The Federal Government provides a death benefit for honorable discharged veterans. The dollar amount varies based on where the death occurs (VA hospital) and if the death was service-related. In most cases the benefit is modest and will not cover the entire cost of a funeral, burial, or cremation. Your local funeral home is an excellent resource to help veterans and their families understand the benefit that is available.

www.va.gov

VA will pay up to $796 toward burial and funeral expenses for deaths on or after October 1, 2019 (if hospitalized by VA at time of death), or $300 toward burial and funeral expenses (if not hospitalized by VA at time of death), and a $796 plot-interment allowance (if not buried in a national cemetery).

Most funeral homes will provide a consultation and planning session at no charge upon request. It is never too soon to schedule a meeting with a funeral planner. Understanding exactly the benefit that will be available upon death is the best way for veterans to assure their family is not misinformed and thereby disappointed in the benefit they receive when death does occur.

The funeral planner will review the current benefits available from the U.S. Government. These benefits have been subject to change over the years, making obtaining current up-to-date information important. The planner will discuss your funeral service desires and your family’s funeral expectations and needs. The planner will also discuss the military graveside service and US flag that can be provided, if you desire, upon death. During your planning session you will also review final disposition options. Final disposition is a term referring to a person’s personal preference to be buried or cremated and the location of your final resting place.

During a meeting with a funeral planner the veteran will have the opportunity to ask questions about burial availability in a local Veteran’s cemetery, funeral service and memorial service options as well as review funeral products such as caskets and vaults that honor the different branches of military service.

It is a good idea bring a copy of discharge papers (DD214) to the meeting. Making a list of your questions and bringing it to the meeting as well will help to assure your questions are answered and nothing is overlooked.

It is also a good idea to ask the planner about any programs the funeral home has to help fill in the cost difference between the US Government Benefit amount and the estimated cost of the funeral service. Many funeral homes provide the opportunity to set up manageable payment plans to cover the gap. Some funeral homes even offer plans that provide coverage for the entire cost should death occur before all payments are complete.

Once a funeral plan is completed it should be kept on file at the funeral home along with a copy of the DD214.

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How Can We Use Pictures at a Funeral?

Saying good-bye to someone you love is hard. Using pictures at the funeral of the person who died is a wonderful way to help tell a life story. There are a variety of ways to use photos.

Using photos that span the entire life of a person—Mom as a little girl on the farm, as a young bride, a mother, at work, and as a grandmother—just brings it all back. Pictures trigger memories and that is one of the important functions of a funeral. You want to remember the life, not just the illness or accident that ended the life.

A lot of pictures may not be required to tell the story. A few pictures can be enlarged and displayed around the room. If you have a lot of pictures that your family wants to use, they can be displayed in photo frames or albums. Many funeral homes are equipped with electronics that make it possible to show photos on large screens or televisions. These video tributes can be woven into the format of the service or stand on their own for people to view at will. Ask your funeral director for ideas and how they can help you achieve your goals.

Taking the time to come together and go through the family photos can be a healing process on its own. As you are putting together the photos be certain the entire family is well-represented. Everyone will enjoy seeing themselves with the family member who passed.

Remember: funeral directors are helpful people. They want your family to have a good experience. Still, they may not be aware that you have an amateur film producer in the family. Be sure to share the talents that your family has at their disposal as well as your family’s vision for the use of pictures at the funeral. A good picture is worth a thousand words. By all means, use those words and bring out those pictures for the funeral.