Sytsema Funeral Home, Author at Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

Grief is Individual

Let’s talk about the stages of grief. There is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I studied them in nursing school, reviewed them when I got divorced and generally found them to be a pretty accurate and helpful bit of knowledge. And then, a family member died. Stages?

In our house it was more like we all went to the amusement park and were all on very different rides. Up and down, round and round, quiet and loud. We were definitely not that family walking together peacefully along a path through stages. We were all a bunch of nuts. Although we love each other, we were dangerously close to coming apart at the seams.

I don’t think we are the only ones. Death is the number one stressor for families. I’ve seen families break under the weight of illness and loss. Funeral directors will tell you the hardest part of their work is dealing with families who are emotionally fragmented.

We all experience grief differently. It’s a singular journey. But you have to get along. If you don’t work it out you risk losing your family, not just the one member who actually died. So, what helped us?

Deep breathing and listening, I mean really listening to understand not just hear. Recognizing anger as an expression of fear. Seeing frenzied activity as a coping mechanism for helplessness. Making room for each other’s ways of expressing love.

Accepting the prayers and the mementos even when the prayers aren’t ours and the memento is not what we would choose for a funeral.

Being tolerant of each other’s needs and expression of their personal grief. Looking for what’s motivating the behavior not just the behavior itself. Being kind and tolerant. Hugging the huggers and giving the non-huggers their space. Letting go of judgment and making room for differences. I mean really, so what if your sister cries loudly? What’s the harm?

The days before a funeral, the time during the arranging of the funeral and weeks following a funeral are not easy. You and your family can come out of it broken or stronger.

www.sytsemafh.com

What is a Green Funeral?

The term “green funeral” refers to ceremony, service, and body disposition that focuses on preservation of the earth. Many of those who live “green” also wish to end “green”. Just as living green is carried out in different ways and with many choices, there are also many different methods of having a green funeral. Your funeral director is your best guide to the green funeral options available in your geographic area.

For one person living green may mean passing on the offer of a plastic straw. For others, green may mean living off the grid and bicycling to work. One can be all in, or just a little green. Funerals can also be greenish or very green.

Sometimes a green living choice comes with a cost savings and sometimes going green costs more. For example, you’ll use less fuel with a hybrid automobile. Using less gas will generate a cost savings. However, you will usually pay more for a hybrid car than for the same make and model that is not hybrid. Green is not about saving dollars—it is a lifestyle. A belief system motivated by a sense of responsibility for our home, the planet earth. It is a choice.

If you are motivated to pursue a green goodbye, you will be pleased to know that your choice will not require that you give up any of the healing aspects of a funeral service. Service, gathering, and viewing the body can all be included in a green funeral.

Funeral directors have access to environmentally friendly embalming chemicals. If your family prefers to have the body present for the funeral service that can be accomplished. Should a private family viewing be more in line with your green funeral plans, the body can be simply prepared without embalming to make that experience possible for family members.

Green cemeteries or green areas in traditional cemeteries usually do not require a burial vault or grave liner. The body is shrouded and placed directly in the earth or placed in a biodegradable container which is buried. Those who opt for a green burial do so because disruption to the earth is minimized. No harsh chemicals from embalming, no treated wood or metal casket and no metals or concrete from a grave liner are introduced in the grave space. If you remember our hybrid car example something similar occurs with green burials. In most cemeteries a green burial space will cost more than a traditional burial space, but you will not incur the cost of the vault.

For those who prefer cremation you will need to know that all cremators (the device where cremation takes place) are not created equal. Newer models tend to have a smaller carbon footprint. Ask your funeral director which providers in your area are the most environmentally friendly.

There are also many different green options when it comes to the final resting place for cremated remains. Cremated remains can be incorporated into objects that become family heirlooms, or, they can become part of an underwater reef. There is a nearly unlimited number of earth-friendly alternatives of what to do with cremated remains. When making funeral arrangements tell your funeral director that green is important to you and ask for help in finding service providers that support your values.

www.sytsemafh.com

Choosing the Right Funeral Service: 10 Steps to Help You Get it Right

Who gets to decide what is included in a funeral service? Each state has laws that govern who has control over the body of a person who has died. In most states if the individual was married, the spouse will be responsible for taking care of the disposition (what happens to the body) and funeral service. When there is no spouse the adult children will decide. If there is no spouse and the children are minors, then the parents of the deceased will be responsible. If the parents are also deceased, then brothers and sisters will become the responsible decision makers.

As you can see, there are a variety of scenarios where “who decides” can get messy. Also know that the person who is going to pay for the funeral is entering into a contractual agreement with those who will provide service – the funeral home, crematory or cemetery. As a result, that person will have the “power of the checkbook”. With that power comes a considerable measure of control over decision making.

There are different ways to approach putting together a funeral service. The “right” service is the one that honors the life of the deceased and provides ease for the survivors. When faith is important to the family or was important to the deceased that faith is usually reflected in the service. The right service fits the budget and does not create a financial burden. There are many options to consider in putting together a funeral. All of these choices ensure that every family is able to have a service that is right for them.

When you find yourself in the role of decision maker regarding a family member’s funeral, the ten steps below can help you assure the funeral will provide comfort to you and all of your family remembers.

Step #1 Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to fall short of “perfect”.

Remember these famous words …

“You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t …” … please all the people all of the time” (Poet John Lydgate as made famous by Abraham Lincoln).

Know that even when you do your best there may be some people who would have done differently.

Step #2 Make a list of the people who are the “some” that you really do want to please

The spouse or partner, the children, the parents, sisters and brothers, and close life-long friends are all people who are likely to be deeply affected by the funeral service. These are the people the service needs to please. In order to plan the “right” funeral you will need to know what is important to these people. This does not mean everyone needs to or will agree. Nor does it require everyone weigh in on every decision.

Step #3 Ask each of these people, “What is the one thing that you would most like to see included in the funeral service”

Write these answers down. Ask clarifying questions if needed in order to be sure you really understand what is most important to each of the people you are aiming to “please”. Don’t make any promises beyond that you intend to do your best. Do this before you have your appointment with the funeral director. Don’t forget to include what is most important to you on your list.

Step #4 Consider your budget and make a list of the questions you would like to ask the funeral director

There is no need to have all the answers or know exactly what you want included in the funeral service before the funeral arrangement conference. In fact, having your mind completely made up regarding service options might mean missed opportunity. No one knows better than the funeral director what can be done. After all, they do funerals every day. Fortunately for most of us, we are only responsible once or twice in a lifetime.

It is a good idea to review any insurance policies or other funding that will be used to pay for the services you select. The “right” funeral should not create a financial hardship for family. Have an idea of what you can spend before you meet with the funeral director.

Step #5 Choose the person or persons who will go with you to the arrangement conference.

Because you have asked the important people for input, it will probably not be necessary to bring the entire group to the conference. You have already included them and will be able to represent their needs.

The arrangement conference is an emotional experience. Choose someone who will be helpful to you, who will support you. Bring those who will be attending the arrangement conference with you up to speed regarding the work you have already done. Review the information you have gathered from family members and discuss the budget with this person before your appointment.

Step #6 Prepare for the arrangement conference

Review your list from the family members. Get a general idea of what folks want and need.
If your family member served in the Military look for discharge papers DD214
Be sure you know about church membership and any organization that may play a part in the funeral service. The Shriners, Knights of Columbus, Free Masons, Legions, are Elks and are just a few of the many organizations that typically honor deceased members.
If you plan to use insurance proceeds to fund the funeral service, gather those policies and bring them along to the conference for review.

Step #7 Consider how you want to remember the person for whom you are making funeral service arrangements

Think about the funeral services your family has experienced in the past. What have they been like? What do you want to repeat and what should be changed for this funeral?

How will religious affiliation influence the service? When all the people you are trying to please are members of the same faith group, planning this part of the funeral service is straightforward. You know who will officiate and what the service will include and not include.

Not all families have a connection with a church. In fact, religious affiliation in the US has been on the decline the last two decades. For families with no religious connection including a spiritual component in the funeral service can become a little more of a challenge. When there is no formal religious affiliation there are several ways to handle this aspect of the funeral service.

First, a spiritual component can be eliminated entirely. A funeral service is often done without a religious component. The life and accomplishments of the deceased can be the core of the service. Focus will be on work, family relationships, connection to the community, hobbies, travels, sports, vocations or avocations of the person who died. This type of service is often referred to as a celebration of life. A celebration of life can stand alone or be included with a religious service.
When there is a desire for a spiritual component but there is no obvious spiritual leader, the solution can be as simple as asking a family member or good friend to lead the group in a prayer. This person could also read an appropriate poem or piece of scripture. For those families who prefer to include a clergy person in the ceremony there are other options.

Your funeral director will no doubt know of a cleric who is willing to perform a service for persons who are not members of his or her congregation. In order to be sure this person is a good fit for your family, it will be important to think about what you do and do not want included in this part of the service. Share this with your funeral director and ask for guidance in choosing a person who will meet your expectations. When you contact the clergy person be sure to ask what will be included in the sermon and service. Be sure the tone and content of the service will be a good fit for your situation.

In many areas of the country there are funeral celebrants who can be very helpful with putting together all aspects of a funeral service. Ask your funeral director if there is such a person in your community.

Step #8 At the Arrangement Conference You’ll Decide

The timing of the service

A funeral service can take place before or after disposition of the body (burial or cremation). A funeral service that takes place after the body is either buried or cremated is called a memorial service. A memorial service may be selected to comply with religion or because it is preferred by the family.

Some religions require that the body be buried or cremated within a brief time period following the death. For this reason, the funeral will take place days or even weeks after the burial has taken place.

Family preference is another reason for the funeral to take place after either cremation or burial. Today many families live at great distances from each other. It may take weeks for travel arrangements to be coordinated and carried out so that everyone can come together for a service. The positive side of being able to delay service and opt for a memorial service is that no one misses out on the benefits of sharing the loss with others in the family circle. Talking out the cause of the death, remembering the good times, being a part of the service are all important steps on the path of reconciling loss of a close family member. All of these are a part of the right funeral service.

The downside to delaying service and option for a memorial service can be the length of time between the death and the healing power of gathering and having a service. When the time between the death and service stretches into weeks or months it can present a hardship for some family members. Some people can become paralyzed in moving forward with their grief work.

Location of the service

Funeral services and memorial services may take place entirely at the funeral home. Funeral homes are clean, company ready, and have ample parking for all types of services. Most have equipment on hand to support any kind of service. Formal, informal, religious, celebration of life, and memorial services can all be accommodated at most funeral homes. Some funeral homes have the ability to host a funeral luncheon or brunch.

Funeral directors will also help those who chose to have the religious part of their service at church. For those who want or need to have their funeral service at a club or private location, the funeral director is ready to help facilitate that as well.

Tone and content of the funeral service

People have many aspects to their life. Sometimes they are serious, sometimes thoughtful and at times these same folks are playful. A funeral service may include these same kinds of changes in mood. There may be formal serious moments followed by less formal moments of sharing memories. Funerals almost always include both laughter and tears.

Step #9 Include Family members in the preparation and planning of the service

When you return from the arrangement conference with your funeral director you will have a list of decisions to make and things to do. Look at your list of core people. Who can help? Involving those who are up to helping is good for them and good for you. Many of the tasks that come with putting together a funeral not only serve the purpose of getting the funeral right, they also help those close to begin a healthy grieving process. Ask for help and delegate tasks. Some things that fall into this category include:

Choosing clothing for the deceased
Choosing pictures for display or a video
Choosing the casket spray and or flowers from the family
Contacting out of town family & friends
Writing the obituary
Writing and or delivering the Eulogy
Selecting music
Selecting readings
Putting together objects for a memory table or display
Choosing a venue and menu for the funeral luncheon

When you delegate any of these tasks be sure that you share the parameters. What exactly do you need and what are the limits? For example, perhaps the minister has asked that you select three songs for the service. Or, the funeral home will run a loop of thirty-five pictures on a television. Be sure the person you are placing in charge has all the information that they need to do the job correctly. Then step back and let them take over.

Remember you are working with people who also loved the person who died. Allow them to express their loss in their way. Understand they will choose differently than you would. Give them the gift of being allowed to participate in putting together a final tribute for the one you all loved.

Step #10 Review your plan

Before the day of the service take a moment to review what has been planned. Take a look at the first list you made. The one where each of your key people told you what was most important to them. Have you done your best to make sure they are each getting what they need? Is there anything that will take place in the service that is likely to catch a family member or close friend unaware? Is there any conversation you should have with anyone to explain or clarify anything that is planned?

Most important be sure the service you have arranged is “right” for you and your family. If the minister always does something that does not seem to fit right for your family speak up. If where you live people “always” have a receiving line or anything that you and your family don’t really like, speak up and change it. Funerals should be helpful and healing. They tend to stick with the closest family members. Make sure what you have planned is what you and your family want and need.

It’s a Funeral … Go Ahead and CRY

Should Americans get more comfortable with tears?

When it comes to funerals Americans can sometimes feel uncomfortable both shedding tears or observing their flow from a fellow mourner. Perhaps you have attended a funeral and noticed those who need to weep often leave the room? They retire to the restroom or go outside for a breather. Why? What triggers tears? What are tears made of? Is there any benefit to shedding tears?

Human beings actually shed, on average, between 15 and 30 gallons of tears each year. Both sexes cry. According to research, women cry an average of 3.5 times per month and men cry an average of 1.9 times a month. Tears are produced by the lacrimal gland located just above the eye. The lacrimal gland receives signals from both the autonomic nervous system and the frontal lobe of the brain. Humans produce three distinct types of tears. Each type has its own trigger, chemical make-up, benefit, and each looks different under a microscope.

Basal tears are in the eye all the time. They lubricate, nourish, and protect the cornea. Basal tears shield the eye from dirt and debris. They are made up of a protein-rich antibacterial liquid that helps keep the eyes moist every time a person blinks. Basal tears are not unique to humans, as animals also produce this type of tear. Under a microscope these tears look like delicate branches of a tree or undersea coral.

Reflexive tears/onion tears are the tears that are triggered in response to an irritant. Smoke, wind, and chemical irritants trigger these tears. They come in greater quantity than basal tears and contain more antibodies to help fight bacteria. Their job is to flush the eye of the irritating substance. Under a microscope these tears look like a close pattern of dense snowflakes.

Emotional tears are our funeral tears. They are also the ones we shed when we hear the national anthem and see our flag waving, watch our grandchild play the flute in her first music recital or score his first soccer goal. Emotional tears are amazing. These tears are unique to humans. They are triggered by the frontal lobe of our brain in response to our human experience. Their chemistry is different. They are thicker than our other tears making them more visible as they make their way down the cheek. These emotional tears contain additional proteins and hormones, they contain a natural pain killer as well as endorphins. Science is catching up to the ancient folk wisdom that says, “you’ll feel better after a good cry”. Under the microscope these tears actually look different based on the emotion that triggered them. Emotional tears look like fractured glass. (Rose-Lynn Fisher “The Topography of Tears”)

People may try to suppress tears if they see them as a sign of weakness, but science suggests that doing so could mean missing out on a range of benefits. There is still much to learn about the science of tears, but newer research indicates:

Tears have a self-soothing effect. Shedding tears helps people regulate their own emotions, calm themselves, and reduce their own distress. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps people relax.
Crying helps people get support from others around them. Human beings are social. Crying is an attachment behavior: it rallies support from people around us and has an interpersonal social benefit. The human body is simply marvelous. Emotional tears literally stick to our face so others can see we need help!
Weeping helps to relieve pain. Tears release oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make people feel good and may ease both physical and emotional pain and promote a sense of well-being.
Crying may help lift people’s spirits and make them feel better. Oxytocin and endorphins can help improve mood.

Maybe it is time to embrace our tears—or at the very least, respond with a hug and kind words when we see someone at a funeral crying.

www.sytsemafh.com

65 or over: Don’t Be a Fall Statistic

According to the CDC, an older adult (age 65+) suffers a fall in the U.S. every second of every day, making falls the leading cause of injury and injury death in this age group.

If you or someone you care about are in this age group, it is time to do a safety assessment and possibly make a few adjustments.

Footwear

You are looking for support of the entire foot. Skip the mules, toss the stretched-out loafers, and go for shoes that stabilize the heel of the foot and fit snugly. Shoes that tie and have a non-slip sole are best. If you notice an older person is shuffling, not picking up their feet when they walk, check their shoes. House shoes/slippers should follow the same guidelines as outdoor footwear, closed in heel and non-slip soles.

Snow and Ice

Can we just say, stay in during bad weather if possible? That means slowing down and doing a cost to benefit assessment before initiating action. Ask yourself, “why am I going out now?” Could the morning paper resting on the ice glazed driveway wait? Perhaps you could give the sun a chance to warm the pavement and melt the ice? What harm would come if you read the morning paper in the afternoon? We are all creatures of habit. We read our paper with our morning coffee; we get the mail from the box every day, sometimes the minute it arrives. Avoiding falls means slowing down, thinking it through, weighing the options and choosing safety over habit. When you do go out take the time to change into your boots, carry a walking stick or cane to help you stabilize, and choose the path that provides the most traction. Be sure someone knows you have gone outside or, if you are alone, take your cell phone with you.

Changing Position

When moving from lying down (bed) to walking (to the bathroom) take your time. Sit on the edge of the bed, dangle your feet, give your head a moment to catch up to your new position. Then plant your feet squarely on the floor and wait one click before you take off for your destination. When moving from sitting to standing, plant your feet on the floor then push up using your thigh muscles to rise. Hint: Begin to preserve the strength in your thighs. When you reach your early 60s avoid using your arms to assist with getting from sitting to standing. Keep those thigh muscles strong as long as you can. Move. Move. Move.

Find a Safety Buddy

Lots of seniors are spending more time alone these days. That means that if a fall does occur, they will be on their own. Finding someone who can act as a “safety buddy” for a senior living alone is a good idea. When the senior is going to do something “risky”, climb a ladder, wash windows, carry the Christmas tree to the basement, weed the garden, they would place a call to their safety buddy letting him or her know what they are going to do. The two would work together to determine how much time it will take to complete the task. The senior can pledge to call his buddy back when he has completed the dangerous task. That way if a fall occurs and the buddy doesn’t get his call back he will know to check in and get help if needed. Better yet, get help with dangerous tasks!

Keep Moving

Inside or outside, keep moving and doing. Take a walk and take your phone with you. Walk your well-behaved dog. If you are a couch potato, clean up the space that surrounds you. Have you put too much of your stuff right at your fingertips so that you don’t need to move? Are you limiting your movement too much? If you are an impulsive/quick mover, slow down but do not stop. Keep your eye on where you are going when you move. Observe your surroundings and avoid the cracks in the sidewalk and the bumps in the road.

Accidents are not planned. They always come unexpectedly. Listen to the little voice in your gut or head. When it says something should wait, or you should get help, or what you are considering doing is risky – LISTEN. Resist the temptation to overrule that inner warning. Look for a safer way to complete the task or work on finding someone to help you.