Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

Navigating the New Year 2021

It is over. 2020 has come to an end. As years go it was a hum dinger. It is a safe bet most people did not have even the slightest clue when as they rang out 2019 what they would experience in the next twelve months. So, it is understandable if they find themselves feeling a little trepidatious about jumping into the brand-new year 2021. One thing most know for sure is they really have no idea what is to come.

Still, there is a lot of good, there is always something positive if one is open to seeking the good. Perhaps it would be helpful to take a moment of introspection and look for the strength you found in yourself this past year. Perhaps you became a better parent, or partner? Maybe you became more patient or learned to appreciate people you paid little attention to in the past? The kid’s teachers, the checkout clerk at the grocery store, the trash collection crew—all those people who stayed the course and worked through it all just to keep things going.

Perhaps there are a few things you came to value less as a result of the 2020 experience? Who needs make-up below the eyes? Maybe you found your own natural unlacquered nails to be sturdy and lovely? Perhaps you are finding less value in stuff and more value in relationships and people? What if those folks who got stronger, kinder, closer to their friends and family all made an effort to hang on to that good, and carried it forward into this new year?

Wonder what would happen if they decided to love more and hate less? What if they all made a resolution to listen more, to try to understand the other side of the story? What if all decided to put problems on the table and worked with their neighbors, friends, coworkers, or family to find solutions instead of insisting on others accepting their solutions with no opportunity to contribute?

No one is helpless. Everyone can do something to make someone’s day better. It is a new year … share hope, be kind, love others as you love yourself and have a healthy, happy New Year 2021.

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Christmas

Not everyone anticipates the approaching Christmas holiday with enthusiasm. Let’s face it, Christmas comes around the same time every year and it’s just bound to hit everyone at a low point at least once in a lifetime. So, if this is not been your best year and you are not really looking forward to Christmas, here are a few tips to help you cope.

Be sure you have a plan – Before the holidays are upon you take time to make a plan. Think about who you want to see during the holidays and plan to spend time with them. Think about what events you really want to attend. Whether it is your granddaughter’s school play or the church breakfast, put those on your calendar. Also think about things you don’t want to do and politely decline those invitations. If you want to put up a tree but are dreading doing it alone, invite a few of those people you want to see and have a potluck tree trimming party. Have a plan and stick to the plan.

Don’t take on things that cause stress – This is the year to cut back. Do what you want to do and let go of the idea that you must do everything that you always did. Less can be more. Be kind to yourself.

Put exercise at the top of your list – Time is a precious commodity this time of year. It’s easy to put the things you do for yourself at the bottom of the list. If you are struggling with the holiday season, don’t shortchange your exercise program. When you are doing your planning, put your exercise on your calendar and keep it there.

Get out in the light – Days are short this time of year. The lack of exposure to light can make people feel sad. Get out during the daylight hours and take a long walk.

Remember the real purpose of the holiday – We have Christmas to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. He taught us to be our best kindest selves. It’s not about 20 different kinds of cookies, or a huge pile of presents. Nope, it’s about love. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You’ve got to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Lower your expectations for just this one tough year.

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Moving after a spouse dies?

One of the realities of losing a spouse or a parent is the impact that event has on living arrangements. Are we living in the “right” place? Is the house too big? Is it too far away from family? Will my surviving parent be safe where they live? Should I move to be closer to mom or should mom move closer to me?

These are tough questions and they come at a time when emotions are running so very high. They also come at a time when income has likely decreased, perhaps requiring a change be made sooner rather than later. Conventional wisdom says wait at least a year before you make any big changes to your living situation, but the reality is waiting a year may not be financially possible. If you are able to slow down and let the dust settle a bit, that is no small blessing.

Really, it all boils down to three considerations: happiness, safety, and finances. The surviving spouse needs to be in a place that not only works financially, but also is safe and happy. You are going to need to use both your rational mind and your emotions if you are to make the best decision.

On the face of it, the financial consideration seems to be the trump card. After all, you have to be able to afford where you live. However, it is not always that simple. When the happiest place is affordable but not the most frugal choice, then maybe happy trumps financially smart? Decisions based on both emotion and rational thought are usually the best decisions.

That emotional happiness factor also impacts the safety issue. Perhaps the safest living arrangement isn’t going to be a happy situation? In that case, put your rational mind to work on finding a way to make the happy place safer.

You have to find the best fit answer for your family. As you are weighing those three considerations, resist the temptation to base the decision on what you think may happen or will happen down the road. Consider the wisdom of making decisions in the present, based on present circumstances. So, if dad is safe, happy and can afford to stay in his present home maybe no change is necessary … for now.

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A year of firsts

When someone close to us dies, a spouse, a child, a parent, a sister, brother, or friend, their passing leaves an empty space in our lives. We will go on and we will have happy moments, then happy days, and eventually whole stretches of happy time. However, that initial year, after the death, we must deal with a whole year of firsts. The first anniversary, birthday, holiday or vacation without the one we loved can be challenging to celebrate.

Why are these occasions so hard and what can we do to get through this hard place? They are difficult because the pain of that empty space our loved one filled is so very acute on these special days. There is probably nothing that can be done to prevent the feeling of loss. It will follow you for sure if you run away from it and try to ignore the special day. But perhaps, with anticipation and preparation, the occasion can be made easier and maybe even special.

Keep an eye on your calendar, don’t be blindsided by an event. Prepare in advance, make a plan and include others. Tap your family members or your friends and let them in, tell them this will be a tough day for you. Consider what will be the most difficult part of the day.

Maybe it’s not receiving a gift from the love of your life, or not having your wife bake your favorite cake on your birthday. What can you do to work around the pain, acknowledge the loss, and save the day? Perhaps you can go shopping with a good friend and buy yourself a “gift”. Then write a little thank you or whisper your thank you to the one you miss in your prayers. Pull out your wife’s recipe for that cake, call in a grandchild and bake it together. It won’t matter one little bit if the cake doesn’t match up to the quality of your wife’s baking.

As you make your plan for the special occasion be sure to include some way to honor the memory of the person who died. Your day will not be the same without the one you lost, death is a loss. However, you can ease the pain and have a pleasant day in a slightly new and different way.

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Talking with a Veteran

Talking with a veteran of the more recent wars or conflicts such as Vietnam, Afghanistan, or Iraq can be intimidating. You may have a parent or spouse who served in Vietnam who has never shared anything about their experience with you. The Vietnam War was different from wars in the past in that the value of the war itself was questioned and many of those who served came home to a hostile public. It was not a hero’s welcome. Their story may have been bottled up all these years and time is running out for families to learn about their loved one’s experience.

Since the Vietnam War, a small percentage of the U.S. population has served in our armed forces. This means the Vietnam experience is not shared by the broader population and those who did not serve can’t possibly understand what war is like. Not understanding can make us uncomfortable about starting a conversation. As a result, veterans can feel isolated while we remain unaware.

How can we push past our discomfort? How can we talk with these people we love and appreciate about a period in their life that was so very important to them? It can be tricky depending on how well you know the veteran. Below you will find some tips to aid your conversation with a veteran:

During the discussion:
Take your time, go slow
Plan to LISTEN
Listen without comment or judgment
Listen to learn, not to tell.

Below are some suggestions you can ask:
Would be willing to talk with me about your experience?
What service were you in?
What inspired you to join?
What does your service mean to you?
Would you mind sharing what you are currently doing?

Depending on how well you know the veteran, you may want to avoid so of the topics/questions below:
Don’t ask if they killed anyone or saw any dead bodies.
Don’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk.
Don’t ask about PTSD.
Don’t make it about you.
Don’t think you know what it is like to go to war unless you have been to war.

It is always a good idea to do your homework and study the war prior to your discussion. And most of all, express your appreciation for their time and service.