Category: Grief

Grief is difficult in perfectly normal times. However, when a global pandemic has us isolated, we lose two important comfort and coping mechanisms. Hugs are very hard to come by these days. In normal times the physical touch of a hug fills the vacuum when a person who loves another is at a loss for words but wants to show they care. Those who are grieving now, isolated and alone, have also lost another important coping mechanism. Distraction, via activity, is lost to many. Bridge groups are not meeting, church services and events are cancelled, volunteer activities have been suspended, all leaving mourners with many hours to pass alone.

 

If you know someone who has experienced a recent loss, look for a way to offer support and show you care. Three suggestions are:

 

1. Use your words. Make it easy, use the phone, make a call. For many, some of the newer technologies like Zoom and FaceTime may be frustrating. When a person is in the throes of grief learning something new can feel as realistic as climbing a mountain on a whim. While it’s great to see a face, being available to listen and to just talk is valuable. Make it easy. Make it regular. Set up a regular call time like coffee on Monday morning, cocktails at five on Friday, or lunch on Wednesday. A regular repeating time has the added benefit of giving both the caller and the person who is coping with grief something to look forward to. The more “you get together” the less you need to worry about what to say and what not to say. Conversation will become natural and will expand beyond the loss.

 

2. Offer to help where you can. Sometimes folks who are grieving get stuck. They are overwhelmed by a long list of little tasks that may seem simple to the rest of us. Where can I take the clothes? How do I safely discard medicine? How do I change the furnace filter? How do I get these leaves raked? Even the grocery store can feel overwhelming. Ask how you can help. Make a few suggestions. Keep in mind some people are not comfortable accepting help. Offer to do something specific. If that offer is not accepted, next time ask in an open-ended way such as “where could you use help”? If all else fails, just show up and pull the weeds.

 

3. Do something kind and unexpected. Bring dinner, buy a flower, put on your mask and offer a ride to the cemetery. Send a journal. Think cozy and warm. Drop off a hot chocolate kit, a mini pie, a scented candle or warm socks. Be creative. Show you care and be kind.

 

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“And the two shall be as one” just rolls off our tongue. But think about it. What does it mean to the one who lives when their partner has died? Are they now a half? Families are interesting in that we tend to “know” our family member as their role relates to us. Mom is mom, dad is dad. We kids typically don’t really see the couple side, or the work side, or the friend side of our parents.

 

So how must it feel to lose your life partner? Try to step into your parent’s shoes. Pretty quickly in a marriage the jobs are assigned. She does the laundry, he cooks the dinner, she manages the household budget, and he manages the retirement plan. Sure, they have separate interests but look at all those shared interests. Are they lost with this death? What happens to their couple activities?  Do friends still invite them for bridge or to join the bowling team when they become a single? Life changes drastically when death parts a couple.

 

If your parent begins to date, it is not so easy to move from your point of view to understanding and accepting theirs. For a child it may feel too soon, like your living parent is replacing your deceased parent. Perhaps this new wife or husband is stepping in a way that you thought you would. She is going to the doctor’s appointments with dad or cooking dad dinner when you expected to fill that role. He is mowing mom’s lawn with dad’s lawn mower no less! It’s hard.

 

Consider working on changing the way you look at this budding relationship.  How hard would it be to live as a half when you have been married for 35, 50, or even 60 years? Maybe this new relationship is a search for the happiness they had with your deceased parent? Try to understand that as we age, time really is limited and precious. And honestly…maybe they can’t wait. Maybe they need a partner, or another half, to be whole again.

 

 

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By now most of the big stuff is probably done. The thank you notes have been written and mailed. The marker or head stone has been placed or you’ve found a place for the urn. You’ve probably filed for the life insurance, and perhaps you’ve even begun to clean out his closet.

You may be wondering, what have I missed?

• Have you changed the titles to the car?
• Put the deed to the home in your name?
• Have you changed the utilities and cable service into your name?
• Is your medical power of attorney up to date?
• Have you updated your estate plan or will?
• Have you spoken to an accountant or tax expert about any tax consequences associated with gifts you have made or increased allocations from IRA or investments?

How about you? What are you doing to take care of you?

• Are you up-to-date with your health and dental care?
• Are you eating well?
• Are you learning to cook or have you gotten someone to mow the lawn?
• Have you had lunch or dinner with a friend?
• Have you done something fun? A movie? Golf? A ballgame?

Scientists tell us there is a hand/mind connection. Doing things with our hands actually increases our sense of well-being. Even simple chores such as washing the dishes, preparing your meal, or even making your bed help to provide purpose and a natural routine. Why not step outside of your box and try something creative that you used to enjoy doing or have thought about trying? Don’t discount the value of a craft, woodworking or art project.

Finally, see people. Human contact is vital to your new normal. If your friends and family aren’t calling you, then call them. Look for a movie you would like to see, a museum you would like to visit, or a restaurant you would like to try and ask someone to join you.

 

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When a beloved pet dies, the death leaves a void in its human owner’s life. There will be no jumping, wagging greeting waiting for them when they come home. Every pet owner knows there are days when the walk, or cleaning the litter, is more dreaded than enjoyed. But when the chore is gone, they feel the loss. Sure, they have their popcorn all to themselves. But they miss their fur friend. They miss those expectant eyes looking up at them waiting for a kernel of the human treat. Their pet is gone and it is missed!

So, what about getting a new dog? Getting new dog or cat is not for everyone. But for some pet lovers, that void, the hole in their life, is unbearable. They seek to fill the hole. They need that fur baby to take for a walk, to feed, to talk to, to sleep on their feet, to be glad they are home.

Fair warning to the mourning owner, a new pet is not a replacement for the beloved pet that has passed. Just as when we lose a human family member, the individual cannot be replaced. The pet that died was unique, one of a kind. There will never be another cat or dog just like your fur friend. For those who need to get a new dog, or cat, or bird, or snake, it’s the role the pet played in their life they seek to fill. There is just a need to fill the hole death has left in their life.

The pet who passed isn’t forgotten. People who have had multiple pets have a whole string of memories and stories. Those memories stay. They are with them always.

Pets enrich our lives. So, for some the need to have a new pet is almost immediate.  Others need more time. Some fill the hole in another way entirely. Try not to judge the needs of a family member when their desire to get a new pet is out of sync with yours. Do your best to understand.

 

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One of the realities of losing a spouse or a parent is the impact that event has on living arrangements. Are we living in the “right” place? Is the house too big? Is it too far away from family? Will my surviving parent be safe where they live? Should I move to be closer to mom or should mom move closer to me?

These are tough questions and they come at a time when emotions are running so very high. They also come at a time when income has likely decreased, perhaps requiring a change be made sooner rather than later. Conventional wisdom says wait at least a year before you make any big changes to your living situation, but the reality is waiting a year may not be financially possible. If you are able to slow down and let the dust settle a bit, that is no small blessing.

Really, it all boils down to three considerations: happiness, safety, and finances. The surviving spouse needs to be in a place that not only works financially, but also is safe and happy. You are going to need to use both your rational mind and your emotions if you are to make the best decision.

On the face of it, the financial consideration seems to be the trump card. After all, you have to be able to afford where you live. However, it is not always that simple.  When the happiest place is affordable but not the most frugal choice, then maybe happy trumps financially smart? Decisions based on both emotion and rational thought are usually the best decisions.

That emotional happiness factor also impacts the safety issue. Perhaps the safest living arrangement isn’t going to be a happy situation?  In that case, put your rational mind to work on finding a way to make the happy place safer.

You have to find the best fit answer for your family. As you are weighing those three considerations, resist the temptation to base the decision on what you think may happen or will happen down the road. Consider the wisdom of making decisions in the present, based on present circumstances. So, if dad is safe, happy and can afford to stay in his present home maybe no change is necessary … for now.

 

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