Category: Grief

When a person is in the midst of grief, taking care of themselves can get lost in the mayhem. There really are so many things to do. Eating well, exercise, and even sleep just don’t seem that important. The reality is that grief takes a lot of energy. Self-care might just be the most important item on the agenda.

If you know someone who is grieving, feed them. Make it easy. Take them something to eat. The effort of ordering a meal or getting dressed to go out to eat can be overwhelming to a person who is mourning a loss.

If you are grieving, buy a few easy-to-prepare foods. Eggs and soup can be a good start. Don’t overlook the freezer section. Buy an apple. Microwave popcorn is not a meal!

Exercise doesn’t always need to involve weights, running, or even sweat. Just take a walk. Start small. Try ten minutes the first few days and then see if that can be increased each week. Set your sights on a 30 minute walk each day.

The experts tell us we need seven to eight hours of sleep a night. They suggest going to bed at a regular time and getting up at a regular time. Set the alarm and watch those naps. It is tempting to use sleep to avoid those sad feelings. Too much sleep is no better than too little sleep. Try turning down the thermostat at night. Those in the know tell us 65 to 68 degrees is the optimal temp for sleep.

Paying attention to these three basics, eating well, exercise, and sleep will help support a person who is involved in the difficult task of grieving.

 

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“The darkest hour is just before dawn,” or “Things will look better in the morning,” both are old sayings that could be interpreted in different ways. One theory holds those sayings refer to “night dreads”. Night dreads are when sleep is interrupted abruptly with anxious feelings of dread. You wake after just a few hours of sleep when it’s too early to begin your day. The mind is racing in a negative direction swamped by feelings of alarm. These feelings that seem overwhelming at 3 a.m. magically evaporate when the sun comes up and the day begins for real.

Waking in the night with these negative thoughts seems to happen more often as we age and our sleep patterns change. They also happen more often during periods of stress. So, if you are a caregiver for a family member or have experienced a death in your family you may be familiar with episodes of “night dreads”. If that is the case, you know it can be difficult to get back to sleep and feel rested for the day ahead.

When you wake with your heart pounding and your brain racing there are a few things you can try to undo the interruption. First, uncoil, change your position in the bed. Make sure your head and neck are well supported. Slow your breathing and actively work on directing your thoughts in another direction. Be very mindful about your breathing.

Softly close your eyes and draw your awareness to what you see as you slowly breathe in and out. At first, you may think you see nothing. But, be patient. Just keep breathing slowly and looking. In a little while you will begin to see patterns of light and dark. Stay focused on the patterns. Just watch them drift and move. Concentrate on your breath and the patterns. The negative thoughts will be crowded out and you will drift off to sleep. The key is not to get wrapped up in the negative spiral where one negative thought or fear connects to the next and the merry-go-round of thought is going faster and faster until you have no reasonable hope of sleep.

If mindful breathing doesn’t work for you, try telling yourself a bedtime story. Be very colorful and descriptive as you develop your story over the details. What are the golfers wearing? Ball caps or visors, short sleeve shirts or sweaters, is the wind blowing, are the trees green or in fall color? How does the ball sound when it is struck by the club? The details are what will take your mind to a simpler, calmer place. Be very descriptive in your thoughts.

If these techniques don’t help and your night dreads are becoming more frequent or they do not evaporate when the sun comes up, talk to your doctor. Sometimes there are physical connections to night dreads and the doctor can help. A good night’s sleep is important for health and well-being.

 

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The birds are back. Nest building is underway across America. The early blooms dot the landscape with bright yellows and blues. The grass is that beautiful fresh green that only happens this time of year. Spring has arrived. People feel revitalized, ready to take on new tasks and are optimistic about the future.

Of course, not everyone is in on the fun. Some folks struggle. Perhaps they have experienced a loss or change in their life that has them feeling down. Or, maybe they are caught up in the negative spiral of information and talk. What makes the difference? What makes the optimist optimistic?

Are those optimists just lucky to feel so up and energetic? Are they without challenges and personal loss? Are optimists born or, are they made? Do they remain upbeat in spite of adversity or, are they just getting a free ride and feeling no pain?

Optimists tell us their positive outlook is the result of conscious effort. It’s mind over matter.  Optimists work at focusing on the positive. They are not immune to those “Henny Penny the sky is falling” feelings of fear and panic. They get them too. The difference is they actively work at looking for the positive and protecting their optimistic attitude.

When optimists feel panic, they reset their thinking by asking themselves, “Am I really okay right now, in this minute? Is there something I can do to improve the situation or is it out of my control? Do I need to ask for help or do I have the resources to deal with this myself?” If action is needed, they take that first tiny step to improve their situation. They own what they can do and let go of what they cannot improve, change, or fix.

Optimists live in the moment. We all hear about living in the moment, but some have no idea what that phrase means, much less how to go about doing it. Living in the moment means being mindful. Paying attention to where you are and what you are doing right now.

So, for example, the simple task of walking the dog with your mind racing. Thinking about all you need to do when the walk is over is a chore. When approached from a living in the moment perspective you will pay attention to the way the dog notices little changes in the familiar path.  See what he sees, smell the fresh air, notice the squirrels and birds look at the sun and the clouds. The same walk becomes a joy. Optimists milk the joy from every task from washing the car to weeding the garden.

Optimists protect their positive attitude. Everyone knows people who just want to talk about the bad stuff. It’s a world of the service is never just right, the weather is always a little off, and the world is going to hell in a hand basket. These people could drag down an elephant.

Optimists don’t play that game. They don’t feed the negative by jumping in it themselves. They shut that negative talk down with something positive, or they just don’t spend as much time with those people.

Seeing the good in things, being positive and optimistic expands and becomes easier as the attitude is nurtured.  When we are kind and up-beat and others mirror what we do, we all benefit as the reflections become infinite.

 

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Nothing means more to a grieving child, spouse, sister, brother or friend than a personal note from the deceased. It’s something that will be cherished. The note will make its way out of its safe keeping spot whenever the mourner needs to feel close to the person who died. It will be read on those tearful days that are sure to come. It will also be read on those days that are full of joyful remembrance.

The note doesn’t have to be eloquent. It doesn’t have to be brilliant or witty. It doesn’t have to be long. It just needs to tell the person how you feel about them. The writer might also include what they liked about recipient, enjoyed doing with them, or how the person was helpful. The note can express gratitude or love. It can include a shared “remember when” story. In the end it’s a love note. A personal connection that lasts even when life has ended.

So, when do you write these notes and where do you keep them? There really is no need to wait. Write your notes today or tomorrow as you live your life. They can always be revised and updated. Waiting may mean that you never get around to it. Remember, life is fragile.

If you have an advance funeral plan on file at your preferred funeral home, you might ask the funeral director to keep them for you. Just imagine how lovely it would be for your family to receive your note at the conclusion of their conference with the funeral director to finalize your arrangements. If you don’t have a plan on file, make sure someone in your family knows where the notes are kept and when they should be distributed.

“We are fragile creatures, and it is from this weakness, not despite it, that we discover the possibility of true joy.”
― Desmond Tutu, The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World

 

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Prescription medication is expensive. Just that fact can be an understandable motivation for some risky business. When my father died, my mother was asking everyone, “Aren’t you on blood pressure medicine?  You take this heart pill don’t you?  What do you take for depression?” Her plan, no waste. My mom will also save four string beans when dinner is over. The beans I can live with, the pills I think we are treading on thin ice. It’s just best to follow the FDA recommendations.

In order to keep drugs from falling into the wrong hands (children, pets, and addicts) the FDA recommends that you dispose of all medication as soon as possible. They suggest three options.

Take Back Programs:

These are periodic events scheduled in your community for a specified date and time. In addition, some communities have permanent collection sites, you can find the location of permanent collection sites at the FDA website.

Disposal in Household Trash:  

Many medications can be disposed of in the household trash following this process.

Mix – the pills with dirt, cat litter, or coffee grounds. Do not crush the pills

Seal – the mixture in a plastic bag

Throw – the bag in the household trash

Scratch – scratch the information on the prescription label off the bottle and discard

Flushing down the toilet: 

FDA recommends that a short list of drugs be immediately flushed. These drugs are dangerously addictive for children and others who have not been prescribed the medication. A complete list of these drugs is posted on the FDA website.

 

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