Sytsema Funeral Home, Author at Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

A year of firsts

When someone close to us dies, a spouse, a child, a parent, a sister, brother, or friend, their passing leaves an empty space in our lives. We will go on and we will have happy moments, then happy days, and eventually whole stretches of happy time. However, that initial year, after the death, we must deal with a whole year of firsts. The first anniversary, birthday, holiday or vacation without the one we loved can be challenging to celebrate.

Why are these occasions so hard and what can we do to get through this hard place? They are difficult because the pain of that empty space our loved one filled is so very acute on these special days. There is probably nothing that can be done to prevent the feeling of loss. It will follow you for sure if you run away from it and try to ignore the special day. But perhaps, with anticipation and preparation, the occasion can be made easier and maybe even special.

Keep an eye on your calendar, don’t be blindsided by an event. Prepare in advance, make a plan and include others. Tap your family members or your friends and let them in, tell them this will be a tough day for you. Consider what will be the most difficult part of the day.

Maybe it’s not receiving a gift from the love of your life, or not having your wife bake your favorite cake on your birthday. What can you do to work around the pain, acknowledge the loss, and save the day? Perhaps you can go shopping with a good friend and buy yourself a “gift”. Then write a little thank you or whisper your thank you to the one you miss in your prayers. Pull out your wife’s recipe for that cake, call in a grandchild and bake it together. It won’t matter one little bit if the cake doesn’t match up to the quality of your wife’s baking.

As you make your plan for the special occasion be sure to include some way to honor the memory of the person who died. Your day will not be the same without the one you lost, death is a loss. However, you can ease the pain and have a pleasant day in a slightly new and different way.

www.sytsemafh.com

Talking with a Veteran

Talking with a veteran of the more recent wars or conflicts such as Vietnam, Afghanistan, or Iraq can be intimidating. You may have a parent or spouse who served in Vietnam who has never shared anything about their experience with you. The Vietnam War was different from wars in the past in that the value of the war itself was questioned and many of those who served came home to a hostile public. It was not a hero’s welcome. Their story may have been bottled up all these years and time is running out for families to learn about their loved one’s experience.

Since the Vietnam War, a small percentage of the U.S. population has served in our armed forces. This means the Vietnam experience is not shared by the broader population and those who did not serve can’t possibly understand what war is like. Not understanding can make us uncomfortable about starting a conversation. As a result, veterans can feel isolated while we remain unaware.

How can we push past our discomfort? How can we talk with these people we love and appreciate about a period in their life that was so very important to them? It can be tricky depending on how well you know the veteran. Below you will find some tips to aid your conversation with a veteran:

During the discussion:
Take your time, go slow
Plan to LISTEN
Listen without comment or judgment
Listen to learn, not to tell.

Below are some suggestions you can ask:
Would be willing to talk with me about your experience?
What service were you in?
What inspired you to join?
What does your service mean to you?
Would you mind sharing what you are currently doing?

Depending on how well you know the veteran, you may want to avoid so of the topics/questions below:
Don’t ask if they killed anyone or saw any dead bodies.
Don’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk.
Don’t ask about PTSD.
Don’t make it about you.
Don’t think you know what it is like to go to war unless you have been to war.

It is always a good idea to do your homework and study the war prior to your discussion. And most of all, express your appreciation for their time and service.

www.sytsemafh.com

How to Thank a Veteran

Three hundred and sixty five days a year, twenty-four hours a day, rain or shine, hot or cold, from the year 1776 to present day, they’re serving our country. They are our veterans and November 11^this the official day that we honor and thank them each year.

So what can you do to show your appreciation? Here are a few ideas:

Attend a parade or remembrance event held in your community
Brush up on your patriotic etiquette
Teach your children things such as when to stand for the American flag or what to do during the playing of our National Anthem
Visit the gravesite of a veteran
Hang a flag in your yard
Support a veteran-owned business
Hire a veteran or the spouse of a veteran
Visit a veterans hospital
Say thank you to a veteran and his or her family

Did you know you can even hold a “Care Package Party”? Here’s how:

Invite friends to bring items for those serving away from home.
You can contact the US Post Office for help with packaging supplies for military care packages. Some items you could send:

Foot care products
Cotton socks
Flavorings for water
iTunes gift card
Snacks
Hand written notes expressing your thanks

Everyone is busy and on Veteran’s Day we’ll be inundated with advertising. It will be easy to see November 11^th just as another great sale day…but it is so much more. Perhaps the most important thing you could do is ask a veteran you know to tell you about their experience and then listen. Just really listen.

www.sytsemafh.com

Finding YOUR Joy

Even months after the funeral it’s not uncommon to feel just not exactly right. We all lose our way from time to time. Things happen and we can’t find our JOY. It’s not really so much gone, as it is misplaced. Life feels dull and the days seem to drag. No matter what the circumstances, if you look for it, you can find your own personal JOY again. However, you will have to work a bit to find it and reconnect.

To begin, you must put on your little super power cape and take control. You’ll have to take ownership of your joy. Terrible things happen to us in life. Illness of a loved one, your own illness, even the death of a loved one, there really are a lot of things to be unhappy about. You can, however, experience joy in spite of adversity. Make a positive decision to take your personal joy into your own hands and get it back!

Start by connecting with your senses, hearing, touch, smell, taste, and sight. Take them one by one and dig in. What sounds bring you joy? Maybe it’s the sound of little kids on the playground, or the Beatles, or waves crashing on the beach. Get out a piece of paper and make a list. You may be surprised at how many little tiny things you enjoy related to your senses.

Once you have identified things you like to smell, touch, taste, hear and see, you need to make a plan to get at least one of those things in your life on a daily basis. Turn on the music you love, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, bake one little chocolate chip cookie every day! What the heck, they make that frozen cookie dough for a reason! Get up early once a week and see the sunrise. Take a walk. Put joy back in your life in its simplest forms. Just go for it. It’s not that hard.

Once your senses are starting to wake up again, start to think about gratitude. What are you thankful for? That time your dad took you fishing, that your grandmother taught you the names of all the birds, fireworks on the Fourth of July or the beauty of a tree. The list is endless, humbling, and there is joy in gratitude. Be grateful.

It’s YOUR JOY. Take it back.

www.sytsemafh.com

Preserving the Family Relationship while Planning a Funeral

You are with someone with whom you share some history. Maybe it’s a brother, sister, or a childhood friend. You are talking about an event from the “old days” and you suddenly realize you all remember the event a little differently. Most of us have had this experience. Our relationships work in a similar fashion. The way we love, like the way we remember, is unique to each of us.

A man’s children know him as Dad. Each child knows and loves a slightly different Dad. His wife knows and loves him in yet a different way. A wife may know fears, strengths, hopes, and dreams children never saw. They all love, but in such different ways. Though not a bad thing, it can add to the stress a family experiences during a death and subsequent funeral planning.

So how do you preserve your family relationship and plan a funeral that provides comfort for each family member?

Establish a common goal. For example: “We want a funeral that reflects Mom’s life, her love for us and our love for her.”
Understand someone has the final say. This is usually the person who is financially and legally responsible.
Agree to listen to each other. REALLY listen with purpose. Listen to understand a point of view, not with the singular intent of getting to the good part where you get to say what you want.
Seek input from a variety of close family members or friends. Don’t forget the little ones. Ask them about grandma. What did they love to do with her? Do they have a special memory or story?
Let go. Realize everything is not going to be as you would choose. Give a little or maybe even a lot.
Ask for a time out when you need it. Your first reaction to someone’s idea may be tempered with a little time and thought.
Use your questions: Tell me more about that? Why is ______ important to you?
Take the advice of Stephen Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People,“Seek first to understand and then be understood.”

Emotions are raw when families are mourning a death. Tread lightly and be kind. Remember you may want to have Thanksgiving dinner with these people in a few months!