Funeral Service Archives • Page 2 of 7 • Blog | Sytsema Funeral & Cremation Services

Memorial Service – Does My Casket or Urn Need to Be Present?

A memorial service differs from a traditional funeral service in that it takes place after final disposition. Final disposition is either the cremation or burial of the deceased. So, the answer is no—neither the urn nor the casket need to be present at a memorial service. That said, in the case of a memorial service following cremation the urn may be present if that is the family’s desire.

Because a memorial service takes place after either burial or cremation have occurred, the urgency to put together a speedy service is removed. A memorial may take place days, weeks, or ever years after a death. This allows a family that is spread over a great distance with time to arrange for travel, time off work, return from overseas postings, or whatever would likely make it impossible for all to gather on short notice.

A memorial service also works well when a family prefers to be more creative in their farewell. The additional time supports the family’s efforts to arrange for music or food. It provides more time to gather photos, find appropriate readings, and find the perfect venue for the service.

A memorial service may be held just about anywhere. Many funeral homes have space designated for these services that includes audio visual equipment and, in some cases, catering and food service capabilities. Be sure to ask your funeral director for guidance and advice.

A memorial service may be faith based if the individual’s religion permits. Some religions require that disposition take place immediately after death, making memorial service the standard. Other denominations require the body be present for the religious part of the service, making a traditional funeral service a better fit. Again, your funeral director is well-versed in the religious traditions in your community and is an invaluable resource for putting together a service that supports your family’s faith base.

There are a few considerations that are best not overlooked when planning a memorial service. The amount of time between death and the memorial service can become protracted and that can create a burden for some family members. Be aware that many people have an acute need to gather with friends and family, talk about the person who died with others who loved them, cry in a safe place, and receive a much-needed hug. The memorial provides that opportunity and until it takes place, their pain is fresh; most people find a service helps put them on firm footing as they begin their grief journey. It is a good idea to check in with close family members and establish a timeline for the memorial service that takes everyone’s needs into consideration.

The second consideration is the “creativity” piece. When we have a traditional funeral service or a religious based funeral service there is a fairly clear roadmap. When that doesn’t fit for you, or your family, and you are not a creative group you need to speak up and ask your funeral director for help. Not every family has people who are comfortable with public speaking to deliver a eulogy or put together music or a photo slide show. Your funeral director is a resource, so feel free to ask for his or her help.

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Should we Have an Open Casket?

“I was very surprised at my reaction. Seeing John in his casket wasn’t something I was looking forward to. His daughter (from his first marriage) really wanted an open casket. So, I agreed. Mostly just to remain on good terms with my stepdaughter. He looked so peaceful. He had a Mona Lisa smile. I am so glad I didn’t stick to what he and I had talked about. The opportunity for that last good good-bye ended up meaning the world to me… and his daughter.”

Many long-standing funeral practices, like viewing the deceased, are undervalued today. Perhaps we should think again? Maybe go slowly? Allow for individual family members to say goodbye in a way that is most meaningful to them.

There is a value to “seeing” the deceased. If you doubt that value think about what happens when there is a sudden, unexpected death. Body recovery is high on everyone’s list. Seeing is believing. Some family members may find an opportunity to see the deceased helpful. Some, like the woman who wrote the opening quote, may be surprised at the comfort the opportunity to see the person they love at peace brings.

The funeral director is there to guide you. Ask questions. How can we give my grandson an opportunity to see his grandfather? What if some family do not wish to see dad? Mom didn’t want an open casket but some of us would like an opportunity to see her one last time. What can we do?

Funeral directors are always willing and able to allow for individual family differences. A daughter who prefers not to view the body and grandson who would very much appreciate an opportunity for a face to face farewell. One need not exclude the other. Funeral directors have solutions. When you meet with yours, be open. Share your family’s needs and ask questions.

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Jewish Funeral Traditions

As we begin to learn more about religious practices outside of our own, it is sometimes surprising to find how much different faiths have in common. Mourners of all faiths understand the power of grief and the comfort of community. So, what happens when a person of the Jewish faith dies, and how can a person outside that faith support a friend or neighbor who is grieving?

In order to support a person of the Jewish faith when they have experienced a loss, one must learn about the Kaddish and sitting Shiva. According to Jewish Law anyone who has lost a parent, sibling, child, or spouse recites Kaddish every day beginning with the funeral and continuing for thirty days after the death. The Mourners Kaddish is a prayer, a profession of faith. The prayer is a listing of God’s holy attributes. Jewish law requires that sanctification of God’s name and requires ten voices … a minyan. This requirement of a minyan assures that the mourner is not alone. For thirty days the Mourners Kaddish is recited in the presence of at least ten people. According to Anita Diamant in her book Saying Kaddish… “The power of Kaddish comes, in large measure, from the consolations of being in a group that recognizes and embraces the bereaved”.

The Hebrew word for funeral is Levayah, which means “accompanying”. There is no religious requirement for clergy to be present at a Jewish funeral. The responsibility is on the family. The service does not address the ideas of heaven, redemption or reunion, the focus is on the life of the deceased. The service is simple. Here are no flowers or music, the casket is lowered and all in attendance participate in covering the coffin. Once the casket is lowered the business of caring for the dead is ended. The focus now shifts to mourning and supporting the family in their grief.

Shiva or “sitting Shiva” is a time for the bereaved. Traditionally Shiva lasts for seven days, although in modern times that is sometimes abbreviated to three days. It is a time to “sit” with grief. During Shiva the bereaved do not work or play. No calling into the office, no cooking, no dishes, no television or video games. Shiva is a time to do grief work. It is a time to explore emotions and feelings, to cry and to laugh. It is a time to share memories, tell stories, and receive consolation.

When a Jewish person dies:

Expect the service to take place the day after the death.
The service will be held either at a funeral home or a synagogue/temple
There will never be an open casket
The service will be led by a rabbi
The rabbi may deliver the eulogy or eulogies may be delivered by friends or family
Close friends and family will attend the interment. All who attend the interment will participate in filling the grave.
As the closest members of the family leave the gravesite, they pass between two rows of relatives and friends.
Do telephone or visit the bereaved
Do bring food, to be on the safe side, bring kosher food
Do not send flowers
Do make a contribution to a favorite charity in honor of the deceased
When calling on family members who are sitting Shiva expect to stay for 20 to 30 minutes. The Mourners Kaddish will be recited twice a day, morning and evening. A guest should stand when the mourners stand and read along with the prayer in English
The one-year anniversary of the death is marked with a ceremony, yahrzeit. This ceremony is by invitation only and usually involves a service at the synagogue and “unveiling” of the tombstone at the cemetery.

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How Can We Use Pictures at a Funeral?

Saying good-bye to someone you love is hard. Using pictures at the funeral of the person who died is a wonderful way to help tell a life story. There are a variety of ways to use photos.

Using photos that span the entire life of a person—Mom as a little girl on the farm, as a young bride, a mother, at work, and as a grandmother—just brings it all back. Pictures trigger memories and that is one of the important functions of a funeral. You want to remember the life, not just the illness or accident that ended the life.

A lot of pictures may not be required to tell the story. A few pictures can be enlarged and displayed around the room. If you have a lot of pictures that your family wants to use, they can be displayed in photo frames or albums. Many funeral homes are equipped with electronics that make it possible to show photos on large screens or televisions. These video tributes can be woven into the format of the service or stand on their own for people to view at will. Ask your funeral director for ideas and how they can help you achieve your goals.

Taking the time to come together and go through the family photos can be a healing process on its own. As you are putting together the photos be certain the entire family is well-represented. Everyone will enjoy seeing themselves with the family member who passed.

Remember: funeral directors are helpful people. They want your family to have a good experience. Still, they may not be aware that you have an amateur film producer in the family. Be sure to share the talents that your family has at their disposal as well as your family’s vision for the use of pictures at the funeral. A good picture is worth a thousand words. By all means, use those words and bring out those pictures for the funeral.

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Choosing Music for a Funeral

If it is given some thought, music can say everything about a loved one.

Too often the power of including music as a part of a funeral service is overlooked. There is a lot to think about when planning a funeral so it is easy to see how music can get lost. There are many ways music can be woven into the service. It can be played as people arrive or depart. Music can accompany the presentation of pictures and it can be played at the graveside. Music can have a little tiny part in the service or have a bigger role.

Almost everyone has “their song” or a band they grew up listening to. A surprising number of folks have musical talent. Maybe they played an instrument or sang in the choir. The music that is played at a funeral can help tell the life story. If as a child, you were forced to endure Frank Sinatra on any road trip you took with your parents, why not include a little Sinatra in their funeral service?

When selecting music for a funeral think more about the person who died and the music they listened to, and less about finding appropriate funeral music. The music you select does not need to be about loss, it just needs to remind folks of the person they loved. The music will mean more to those attending the funeral when the link to the person they loved is clear. If that musical talent trickled down to the next generation, ask a grandchild or child to sing or play at some point during the service.

Not sure about what music mom really liked? Check out her records, CD collection, or playlist. You will likely find what you need. Talk to your funeral director, funeral celebrant, or clergy person to help you determine when and where to use music.