Category: Advance funeral planning / preplanning

How does Advance Funeral Planning affect the first hours before a funeral and the days and weeks that follow?

 

CALLING THE FUNERAL HOME / MORTUARY

 

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is already in place and on file at the funeral home, there is no question as to who to call.  The deceased has left a clear message. The stunned, tired, grief-stricken family just makes the call and the funeral home takes your loved one into their care.

 

No funeral preplan in place: When a death occurs and no funeral preplan has been recorded at a funeral home, the first order of business is deciding which funeral home to call. The stunned, tired, grief stricken family must agree upon who they will trust to guide them through this difficult time. They must determine the funeral establishment that will help honor their loved one in a way that satisfies all their needs and fits their budget.

 

THE EVENING BEFORE THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENT CONFERENCE

 

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is in place, the family can take this time to comfort each other. They can share memories, go through pictures or just rest. Tomorrow they will meet with the funeral director and review the funeral plan their family member put together with them in mind.

 

No funeral preplan in place: For the family with no funeral preplan in place, tomorrow will bring many questions and decisions. Tonight, they will be weighing in on one big question – burial or cremation. They’ll be figuring out how much to spend and who will pay for the funeral. They will need to decide which of them will participate in the arrangement conference. They will need to consider and agree upon how to honor their loved one’s life.

 

DAYS AND WEEKS AFTER THE FUNERAL

 

Funeral preplan already in place: The family with the funeral preplan has no doubts, no second-guessing, and no regrets. They know they did the “right” thing.  They know they spent the right amount of money. They miss the one they lost but they have no regrets about the service that honored their loved one’s life.

 

No funeral preplan in place: Sadly not all families are able to pull together following the loss of a family member. Some are pulled apart because they disagree about decisions great and small. The days and weeks following a death are emotional and tense. It can be a very difficult time to be making group decisions.

 

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One thing we have come to realize this year is the value of being nimble, agile or light footed. Our world has been turned inside out. We have all come to expect the unexpected and to realize that little is certain. Getting a handle on life in 2020 has been a little like nailing Jell-O! Being flexible and prepared has become more important than ever before.

 

Many of us have reevaluated our preparedness for everything from fire and flood to shortages of toilet paper and food. Being prepared, in this uncertain world, relieves anxiety. We just feel better when we have a stash of canned goods and a couple of cases of TP at the ready.

 

No one wants to think about a family member losing their independence or becoming ill or worse: dying. Still, it is something we should consider. Is there someone you could become responsible for if they fall ill? Do you have a medical power of attorney for that person? Is there an advance directive for health care? Is there a funeral plan? Who would be responsible for you if you were the one who became ill and not able to make your own decisions? Does that person have a POA for you? Have you provided an advance directive? Do you have a funeral plan? Does your designated person know who to call and what you would want them to do?

 

The documents that meet the legal requirements in each state for a medical POA and advance directives are generally available on-line. A funeral plan is something you do with a funeral director or funeral planner. Nearly all funeral homes have someone on staff designated to help people in their community with advance funeral planning. This service is usually provided free of charge and the funeral home will keep a copy of your plan on file at the funeral home.

 

Funeral plans are, by design, nimble. They are portable so if you move you can take them with you. They can also always be changed and updated should your ideas about your service change over time.

 

If you have been putting off taking care of any of these documents, now is the time.  You will feel better when it is all done and in order.

 

 

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The strongest and most compelling recommendations for advance funeral planning come from those who have just buried a parent. The daughter who just worked with her four brothers to put together a funeral for their mother will be the first to tell you, “If you have not already done so, please plan your funeral.”

 

No matter how well siblings get along, making emotionally charged decisions together in a short time frame is hard. A funeral “pre-arrangement” is a gift, and it is easy to do. So, how do you begin?

 

Call the funeral home and ask to schedule a meeting with the advance planning specialist.  Set aside about two hours for this meeting.

 

As you prepare for the meeting think about those you will leave behind. What will comfort them? How should the funeral service feel? Will Faith play a part? Does a “Life Celebration” feel attractive? Or will your family be best served by a little of each?

 

Prepare a list of questions. You needn’t know all the answers before you meet with the funeral professional. Your meeting is an opportunity to learn and explore the choices

that are available and find the option that will work best for those you love.

 

Think about who will be responsible for the cost of your funeral. If you were to die tomorrow who would cover the cost? Understand that planning in advance never means that you must pay the total funeral cost at the time you complete your plan.

 

Be sure to ask about payment options that are available through your funeral home. Often you will find the funeral home has access to financial products that allow a person to pay for their funeral over time while being covered for the total funeral amount should death occur before payment is complete. Be sure to ask your funeral professional how these plans work. You will no doubt be pleasantly surprised by both the affordability and the flexibility of funding your funeral plan.

 

Planning your funeral in advance does not shorten your life. It does make the remainder of your days feel a little lighter because you know you have provided clear direction for your family.

 

 

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Don’t be afraid to ask the funeral director your question or to speak up and say what you want.

Some events only happen once in a lifetime. Graduations, weddings, and funerals are a few of these one-time occasions. That means the way the event is marked makes a lasting impression. If the cake at the wedding was supposed to be chocolate and it was not it does not ruin the marriage or even the day, but it can mar the occasion and it is usually the thing that is remembered. It was not right and it is never forgotten.

When a funeral is not “right”, when a minister mispronounces the deceased’s name, or the dress mom always told you she wanted to wear is not the one your brother chose, the hurt can go deep and last a long time. Getting the funeral right for your family is very important.

When you meet with the funeral director do not be afraid to speak up. Funeral directors are kind, caring people, but they are not mind readers. Tell your director what you want. Tell her what you do not want. Ask questions. Tell him about your mother, father, or spouse. Ask how to bring out what you loved about the person you lost. Treat the funeral director like you would a wedding planner. Share where family members are having a problem agreeing and ask for guidance.

Rules are made to be broken. If the number of pictures, songs, or readings recommended by the director doesn’t seem to match what you had in mind, speak up. No one at the funeral home wants your family to struggle to get the number of photos for the video down to twenty when what you really want is forty. If what you really want is for your deceased daughter to wear her cheerleading outfit for her visitation and something else for the church service speak up. Just because the body is usually dressed only once doesn’t mean it must be that way. Funeral directors know how important every detail is to the families they serve. They just don’t know what is important to you if you don’t tell them.

 

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Life from age 70 to 75 is interesting. It might not be a mid-life crisis but nearly everyone finds it is a period of real-life adjustments. In moving from being a 69-year-old to 70-year-old it’s easy to say, so what? Going in, 70 might feel like the new 50. Especially if a person is healthy and active. But by 75 it usually dawns on people that 80 is not going to be the new 60! It’s time to get real and embrace and prepare for life moving forward.

There are both some big questions to ponder and some little things to do to make life going forward easier. In the big category, a couple might consider where they are living.  A simple thing like not having a first-floor bedroom or bath can mean a stay in a rehabilitation facility if a hip or knee needs to be replaced. By the time one hits the 75 mark they know more than a few folks who are walking around with replacement parts.

Then there is the question of whether your home is even in the “right” location? Some people choose to leave friends and their current life in favor of moving closer to their children or family. There is no one “right” choice—however, considering the what ifs can help a person be sure they are settled in their own personal happy place.

Much easier, but not less important, is making sure that you have designated someone to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are no longer able to do so yourself.  Most folks will choose their spouse. However, it is a good idea to be sure the individual one chooses understands your desires and has the emotional strength to carry out your wishes. In some cases, it may be kinder to designate an adult child to make decisions.  Regardless of who you choose, making sure all family members know what you want to have happen and who you have designated to carry out your wishes, can save a lot of family heartache in the future.

Even easier, but still important, is taking a few steps in order to eliminate those little stressors that can ruin an entire day. Making a simple adjustment to your utilities, cable, or telephone can be a real challenge if you are not the person “of record” on the account. If the designated person has died it can get even more complicated.

Check to be sure both spouses have the authority to make changes to the account or service. Be sure the secret passwords and answers to security questions are known to both parties. Watch your “ands” and “ors”. “And” can mean you both have to be involved where “or” means either party can take action. “And” can mean you’ll need a death certificate where “or” can mean full speed ahead.

Finally, it really is time to consider the end. When your children, grandchildren, and friends come together to remember you, what will that gathering look and feel like?  Who will be in charge? Who will be responsible for making and paying for the arrangements? This one is the easiest of them all—you simply call your funeral home and ask for a prearrangement appointment. It will take just a few hours to get all your questions answered and have a plan on file at the funeral home. Then you just go right along heading to 80, eating right, exercising, and seeing the world, because maybe 80 is the new 60?

 

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